My Kids Are Lazy. How Do I Break That Bad Habit?

Dear Dr. Bill:

I have two daughters, ages 16 and 10, who seem to be very lazy. They won't help me around the house and wait until the last minute to do their homework. As a single parent, I usually don't have the strength to make them do what I know they should. How do I break this bad habit — not only in my kids but in myself as well? Help!

— Sheila

Dear Sheila:

You answered your own question — even though it's tough, the best thing you can do for your daughters is to establish house rules on chores and homework, and then follow through. You'll need to be consistent and firm, even when you're tired or frustrated. If you don't, you're basically teaching your daughters that it's okay to be selfish and irresponsible.

Unless you make some major changes in your parenting now, your daughters are going to have a difficult future ahead of them. In just a few short years, they'll be out of the house and living in the "real world." If you haven't taught them personal responsibility and self-discipline, how are they going to hold down a job or succeed in college?

One of the methods you might use to encourage them to be more helpful and responsible is something we psychologists refer to as the "Premack Principle." Basically, that means that a less desirable activity needs to be completed before a person engages in a more desirable activity.

Here's how you might apply that to your situation. As a mom, I'm sure you know what your daughters' favorite activities are. Perhaps your 16-year-old loves chatting online or on the phone with her friends, while your 10-year-old enjoys riding her bike or watching TV.

Hold a family meeting with your girls, perhaps after dinner when everyone is in a good mood. Tell them how much you love them, and that as their mom, one of your responsibilities is to prepare them to be successful in life. Admit that you haven't done a very good job of that lately, and that you're going to be establishing some new household rules. One of those rules will be that all homework and chores are to be done immediately after school, BEFORE the girls are allowed to engage in "fun" activities, like talking on the phone or watching TV.

You can also build in some extra incentives, using a point system for your older daughter and a sticker chart for your younger one. Each time a chore is completed to your satisfaction or they receive a good mark on their homework, they earn points or stickers. These can be cashed in for things like going to a family-friendly movie on the weekend, or a trip to the mall.

After you set up these new rules in your home, it's critical that you follow through — yes, even when you're tired or don't feel like being firm. And don't allow yourself to get sucked into arguments about the new rules. I suggest that you write up a contract that clearly spells out both the rules and the reward system. Then each of you sign your names to the contract and post it on the refrigerator. If you stick to your guns and implement the new system for a few weeks, you should start seeing some positive changes in your daughters' behavior.

Dr. Dobson's book The New Dare to Discipline has a great section that will walk you through how to set up a system of rewards and consequences. You can find it in Focus on the Family's online Resource Center.

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