Adjusting to a New Stepdad

Dear Dr. Bill:

I recently got married to a wonderful man who is going to adopt my three children, all of whom do not really know their natural father. My middle child, a 3-year-old boy, has not been taking to my husband as my other two have. He says sometimes he does not like him, and starts crying when my husband disciplines him or corrects him. What can we do to help create that bond between them as a father and son?

— Gina

Dear Gina:

When a parent remarries, it's not unusual for children to go through a time of adjustment. If you think about it from your 3-year old's perspective, all of sudden this new man moves into the house and takes away a lot of mommy's time and attention. Up until now he and his siblings had Mommy all to themselves, and now they've got to share her with this "intruder." Mommy is even kissing and hugging this man — yuck! What's even worse, this man is telling him what to do and punishing him when he misbehaves. He's probably thinking to himself, "I just wish this guy would leave!"

The problem may be compounded if you haven't been real consistent in setting limits with your little boy. It's common for single moms to be a bit more lenient and to be more lax in enforcing consequences. If your new husband is more firm with his discipline, your little guy isn't going to like it.

Your husband is going to need to work extra hard to develop a bond with your 3-year old. This means taking a real interest in him and spending special one-on-one time together. He will also need to focus on praising your son when he behaves instead of simply disciplining him when he misbehaves. In other words he needs to "catch him being good." At the same time, you may need to become a little more firm with your son when he misbehaves. If you expect your husband to be the primary disciplinarian in the home, you will be headed for significant problems in the future, particularly when your kids reach the teen years.

We have an excellent resource here at Focus on the Family which will help you and your husband cope with this transition and help your little boy adjust. It's a book called The Smart Step-Family by family counselor Ron Deal. I would suggest that you and your husband order it and read it together.

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