Holiday Tension

Dear Dr. Bill:

Every year, my wife's parents host the extended family for the holidays — and all of us are expected to be there! The problem is, we don't all get along, and inevitably something or someone ruins it for the rest of us. Now I don't want to offend my wife or in-laws, but I'm tired of going through this tension and uproar every year. How do you suggest I handle this situation?

— Tom

Dear Tom:

Take heart; you're not alone. The situation that you're describing will occur in millions of homes this holiday season. Family gatherings that are supposed to be filled with love and warmth wind up turning into tense, uncomfortable confrontations.

Of course one option is to simply tell your in-laws that you appreciate the invitation, but this year you've decided to have a quieter Christmas with your immediate family. You and your wife will need to be in agreement on this, and be willing to face her family's disappointment and possible criticism.

A second option would be to attend the gathering, but stay at a local hotel instead of staying in their home. You could also tell your in-laws that you are looking forward to spending time with them, but if the gathering disintegrates into another shouting match this year, you and your wife will be leaving. Then if that happens, politely excuse yourselves and leave for the tranquility of your hotel room.

A final option would be to approach this family gathering with an entirely different attitude. View it as a time to reach out in kindness and grace, extending love to some fairly unlovely relatives. Remember that as difficult as these people can be to deal with, they are created in God's image and He loves them dearly.

They are also fallen creatures, and prone to selfishness, envy, and pride. But then so are you. The marvelous thing is that God sent His son to die for both of you, and He can give you the patience and forbearance to make it through these few days each year. Who knows — the mercy and love you show to these difficult family members may actually work to soften their hearts. But if not, perhaps God will use the experience to help you grow spiritually.

By the way, a book that you might find helpful in dealing with these difficult family members is Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It's available from us here at Focus on the Family.

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