Defiance and Compliance

Dear Dr. Bill:

My son is having behavior problems at his preschool. He can be very defiant, because he wants to do want he wants on his own time. His defiance is exhibited when there is a change from one routine to the next. What is your suggestion for my son?

— Tracy

Dear Tracy:

I hate to break this to you, but it's very rare for a child who is well-behaved at home to be extremely defiant in other settings. You didn't mention anything about his behavior at home, but I'm guessing that he is defiant with you as well. I'm speculating, because I haven't met you or son, but chances are you've developed a pattern of giving in to his demands, so that he always gets what he wants. In his preschool, he's in a setting where he needs to obey other adults, follow rules, and get along with other children. This is new to him, and he doesn't like having limits set on his behavior. That's why he's acting out with the preschool staff.

This may be difficult for you to hear. You love your son, and you don't want to think of him as being difficult and defiant. You may even resent the preschool teachers for insinuating that your son is a "bad kid." But if you're honest, you may need to admit that your son doesn't obey you at home, and that he often acts out or throws a tantrum when he doesn't get his way.

It might be helpful for you to ask the preschool supervisor if you could observe your son in his class setting, so you can see how he behaves in relation to the other children. If that is difficult to arrange, another option would be for a staff member to videotape your son during preschool hours, so you can get a clear picture of his behavior there.

If your son does have a problem with defiance, you'll need to start implementing consistent limits at home. This will involve administering specific consequences when your son misbehaves. Your son isn't going to like this, and his behavior will get a lot worse before it gets better. That's because he'll be doing everything he can to convince you to give up on this new discipline system.

You can also work with the preschool staff to set up consequences at home for misbehavior at school. Arrange to have the supervisor send home a note or call you each day, to give you a report on your son's behavior. Your son needs to learn that if he is defiant, aggressive, or destructive at preschool, there will be unpleasant consequences waiting for him when he comes home.

Tracy, if you've never read Dr. Dobson's book The New Dare to Discipline, I would highly recommend that you order it from us here at Focus on the Family. You can also find some great information on appropriate discipline at our Focus on Your Child Web site, www. focusonyourchild.com.

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