Rules and Rebellion

Dear Dr. Bill:

I have a boy, age 15, and a girl, age 16. Recently we have been fighting over the issue of going to parties. Their friends from school always invite them to attend, but we've only let them go twice. And the last time we picked them up, the dancing we saw going on was disgusting — so we've never let them go again. I have always taught my children godly values and want them to live moral lives. But now I see rebellion, and they tell that they will do whatever they want when they go to college. I am quite concerned. Am I doing wrong by standing firm on this issue? Please help!

— Gladys

Dear Gladys:

You are right to be concerned about the type of parties you let your children attend. Unfortunately, in this day and age many parents of teens allow their kids to hold unsupervised parties in their homes. Depending on the values of the kids, there can often be drugs and alcohol at these parties, as well as teens involved in sexual activity.

As long as your kids live under your roof, you have the authority to make decisions about what is good for them and what isn't. But it's critical that you exercise your authority in the context of a loving relationship. Author and apologist Josh McDowell points this out when he says "Rules without relationship leads to rebellion." Your kids need to know that you love them, accept them, and their biggest cheerleader. With a 15 and 16 year old, it's important to explain the reasons for the rules they are expected to follow.

Instead of simply saying "You can't go to those parties because there is disgusting dancing going on," try saying something like this:

"Honey, you know how much I love you and want the best for you. I don't want anything bad to happen to you, or for you to make bad decisions that will affect you for the rest of your life. Many of the kids that go to those parties may be involved in activities that are unhealthy or dangerous.

"Some of them could get hooked on drugs or alcohol, some might catch a sexually transmitted disease, and some of them might even get pregnant. I love you so much that I don't want any of those things to happen to you. That's why I'm not letting you attend those parties. How about if we go out to a fun movie that night instead?"

You might try using words like those instead of simply demanding that they follow your rules with no explanation. I believe you will find that your kids will respond more favorably, even though they may still complain that you are being unfair.

Gladys, I would strongly recommend Dr. Dobson's book The New Dare to Discipline. In that book he talks about the importance of balancing love and control in your parenting.

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