How Do I Handle Unwanted Advice?

Dear Dr. Bill:

I really have appreciated your show! Particularly when you talk about your baby son because my wife just gave birth to our first child, a daughter, two months ago. We've had several late nights where we've enjoyed listening to your encouragement! I'm asking this question on behalf of my wife — because I know she feels overwhelmed all the parenting advice we've been getting from our friends and family. Sometimes these well-meaning people even contradict each other! Admittedly, my wife and I learning as we go — but I feel like telling these people to mind their own business! Is that wrong?

— Brian

Dear Brian:

You're not alone. A lot of new parents are deluged with advice from friends, co-workers, and family members. And like you and your wife, many of those couples feel like telling the advice-givers to mind their own business.

It's important to remember that most people who offer advice are simply well-meaning folks who want to help. They've raised their own kids, and have "been there, done that." They genuinely care about you and your wife and are trying their best to share what they've learned. On the other hand, there will always be a few know-it-alls who take pleasure in pointing out your mistakes and telling you the "right" way to parent your child. Dealing with these individuals can be frustrating, and it sounds like you've just about had it.

When responding to the know-it-all variety of advice-givers, I've found it helpful to say something like this: "Thank you so much for your helpful advice; we will certainly consider it." This phrase can be particularly useful if the unwanted advice is coming from a relative such as a parent or in-law.

Another helpful technique is to thank the advice-giver and let them know that you basing your parenting on the advice of respected child-development experts. One place to find that expert advice is Focus on the Family's Complete Book of Baby and Child Care, written by 26 family physicians and pediatricians. My wife and I have found this book tremendously helpful. When somebody pressures us to follow their wacky advice, we can simply refer to the book and tell them what the professionals have to say. Trust me, it works.

Copyright © 2007, Focus on the Family.
All rights reserved. International copyright secured.