Helping My Teen Maintain Sexual Purity

Dear Dr. Bill:

As a teen, I went through a serious period of rebellion and ignored every rule and warning my parents had about sex. As a result, I became an unwed mother at 18. But thankfully, I returned to my childhood faith during my early 20s and have recently married a fine Christian man who has accepted both me and my son.

It seems that my past has caught up with me because my son, now 16, is being pursued by a popular girl at his high school. I'm concerned about this relationship because she's so flirty, wears tight clothing and seems overly affectionate in our presence. I can only imagine what goes on when they're alone.

My son knows how I and his step-dad feel about purity and we've discussed our concerns openly and even prayed with him about it. But he thinks we're worrying about nothing. He says, "I won't end up like you did, Mom." Now this girl wants to go steady and my son is interested in taking her to a school dance. How do you think we should handle this situation?

— Danielle

Dear Danielle:

My advice would be to send your son to a monastery in Alaska and don't let his girlfriend know where he is. Just kidding!

I'm sure this situation has you concerned. You've personally experienced the consequences of out-of-wedlock childbearing and don't want the same thing to happen to your son.

It sounds like you and your husband have a close relationship with your son and he feels comfortable talking to you about his life. That's a great start. Research shows that teens who have a close, warm relationship with their parents, and whose parents clearly communicate their expectations regarding behavior, are less likely to engage in pre-marital sex.

Since you've already talked to him about sexual purity and he assures you that nothing inappropriate is happening with his girlfriend, I think the best approach would be to deal with him the same way Ronald Reagan dealt with the Soviet Union — "trust but verify."

In other words, tell your son you'll take him at his word that he is remaining sexually pure and not engaging in any type of inappropriate behavior with his girlfriend. Let him know that you're going to help him avoid temptation by placing firm limits on the time he spends with this girl.

Tell him it's fine for him to go on supervised group dates and to invite his girlfriend over when you're home, but that you don't want him spending one-on-one alone time with this girl. This may mean that he won't be allowed to use the car without you or another adult along for the ride.

You'll also need to have a conversation with his girlfriend's parents. You and your husband should do this together, in person. Perhaps you could ask them out for dinner, letting them know that since your kids are dating, you'd really like to get to know them. Ask them about their values and the type of guidelines they've set for their daughter regarding sexuality. If you don't like their response, then I wouldn't allow your son to spend time at his girlfriend's house.

Chances are your son like won't like these new guidelines one bit, but let him know that because you love him, you've decided to help him with his stated goal of remaining sexually pure. Since he's only 16 and still lives under your roof, he needs to abide by your rules.

By the way, in addition to discussing sexual purity with your son, you should also be teaching him character discernment — in other words, the critical qualities that God would want him to look for in a dating partner and eventual spouse.

Read Galatians 5:22-23 together, and ask him if his girlfriend manifests the "fruit of the spirit" that the Bible talks about. If not, help him to understand that while physical attraction may initially draw us to someone, God tells us that the quality of their character is far more important.

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