Teen Daughter Avoids Displays of Affection
Our 15-year-old is no longer affectionate with us. Should we be concerned?
Dear Dr. Bill:
We are concerned about our 15-year-old daughter who used to be so affectionate with us. Now she hates hugs — even from her friends. Whenever we try to hug her or kiss her on the cheek, she does her best to avoid us. Should we be concerned about this behavior?
— Daphna
Dear Daphna:
Many parents find it difficult to adjust to the ups and downs that go along with having a 15-year-old son or daughter. As a child moves into the teen years, they are grappling with many physical and emotional changes. A child who was formerly bubbly and affectionate can become moody and withdrawn.
It's difficult to say exactly why your daughter is shying away from any form of physical affection, but chances are it may have something to do with the extreme self-consciousness that often accompanies the early teen years. Girls in particular have a difficult time adjusting to the many changes in their body as they go through puberty. Raging hormones and awakening sexuality can also cause a teen to feel uncomfortable with physical affection.
Don't be overly concerned, and grant your daughter the space and time she needs to adjust to adolescence. And don't pester her with questions about why she is acting differently. Chances are, she may not be able to articulate what she is feeling. Be as supportive as you can, and strive to keep the lines of communication open. Let her know that you know its difficult being a teenager; in fact, it might be helpful to share some of the struggles that YOU went through when you were a teen.
If the problem persists or you begin to see other behaviors that seem unusual, it might be helpful to talk to a counselor who specializes in working with adolescents. Our counseling department at Focus on the Family can refer you to a licensed Christian therapist in your area. To reach our counseling department, call (719) 531-3400 ext. 2700 weekdays from 9:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (MST).
Let me also recommend a book you'll find helpful. It's called God's Design for the Highly Healthy Teen. It's written by my friend Dr. Walt Larimore, a family physician, and you can order it through most online booksellers.
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