Helping an Adopted Daughter Fit Into Church

Dear Dr. Bill:

I have a 16-year-old foster daughter who has been in my home for 8 months, and I have filed for adoption. I've known her for 2 years and have always taken her to church with me. In fact, I made that a requirement since she has been permanently placed with me. This girl was not raised to attend church, though she went a few times because neighbors or friends took her. My hope was to expose her to biblical values and teachings, and help her make some good, solid Christian friends.

However, the youth group has done little to reach out to her during the week, except on Sundays when they see her. And while I thought this future daughter was on the right track and was enjoying her church experience, now she doesn't want to attend at all. Is this something I should continue to insist upon, or should I let her find her own way? What do you suggest I do?

— Juanette

Dear Juanette:

The most important thing for you is solidify your relationship with your adoptive daughter. As a foster child, she's obviously been through a lot, and she will need an extra measure of your affirmation and love. Right now, church is a secondary issue. In fact, the most important spiritual mentor in your daughter's life should be you. Your role is to model for her what it means to live a Christ-like life, and to introduce her to the incredible truths of God's Word.

Based on your description, it seems as if you daughter doesn't feel cared for or accepted by the kids at your church, so to force her to attend would be counterproductive. Instead, I'd ask her specifically what it is about the church or the group that she doesn't like. Find out if the kids are friendly toward her or if they tend to hang out in "cliques."

If that's the case, I'd suggest you call the youth pastor and discuss the situation with him. Let him know that your daughter comes from a difficult background and is having a tough time fitting in. Don't be critical about the group, but tell him that your perception is that none of the kids have been willing to reach out to her.

Perhaps he knows a few girls in the group who are especially friendly and caring. If so, he might ask them if they would be willing to take your daughter under their wing and help her to get connected. If there are some girls from the group that go to her school, perhaps they could seek her out on campus and befriend her.

If the youth pastor is unresponsive or if it turns out that none of the kids in the group are willing to reach out to your daughter, then my suggestion would be to find a new church. That will involve making a sacrifice on your part, but for the next two years, until she is 18, it's crucial that she find some solid, mature Christian friends.

Make a few phone calls and find a church in your area that has a dynamic, welcoming, service-oriented youth group. A good place to start would be to contact the Young Life organization and ask them for the number of the local director in your community. There may even be a Young Life group that meets at your daughter's high school. You can learn more about Young Life at www.younglife.org.

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