Protecting a Young Teen Daughter from Bad Influences

Dear Dr. Bill:

My 13-year-old daughter has an outgoing personality and is well-liked by her teachers and friends. She's on the honor roll and often sticks up for the underdog. Generally, she is a very good child, but I worry about how others could influence her.

For example, the middle-school she attends sponsors a dance every month, and she gets a lot of pressure from her friends about attending. I'm not comfortable with these events because of how kids are paired up, the sensuality of the music and other suggestive elements that get young kids thinking about dating relationships and even sex. Many of my daughter's friends are not Christians, and we've already observed that their parents don't keep a close eye on their kids as they should.

Am I right about being concerned? If so, how do I protect my daughter without making her feel odd or left out?

— Ellen

Dear Ellen:

Your instincts are right on target. Many aspects of today's youth culture are particularly toxic to kids. You may have seen news reports on the concern over the dirty dancing called "grinding" that some teens are engaging in at high school proms. Many schools have even begun to set firm limits on the type of behavior that will be tolerated at school dances.

If you feel your daughter's school isn't providing the kids with appropriate guidelines or proper supervision at the dances, then I believe it's wise not to allow your daughter to attend. I'd suggest that you and your husband sit down with her and reaffirm how much you love and care for her. Let her know that as her parents, you have a responsibility to protect her from physical, emotional and spiritual harm. Tell her why you feel the school dances could be harmful to her in the long run.

It's likely that she'll try to convince you that nothing "bad" happens at these dances. At that point you need to point out the specific reasons that you're concerned — the same reasons you mention in your e-mail.

You might offer to take your daughter on an alternative outing on the night of the dance. Tell her that you'd like to take her and a few friends out for a fun evening — perhaps to their favorite restaurant and a family movie.

By the way, you mentioned that most of your daughter's friends aren't Christians. In my opinion, that's an even bigger concern than the school dance issue. As your daughter enters the teen years, it's crucial that she have a solid, supportive group of friends who are dedicated to following Christ and pursuing moral purity.

Your daughter needs to be involved in an active, vital church youth group that emphasizes Christian growth and discipleship. If your church doesn't offer that, I believe you need to seek out one that does, at least until your daughter graduates from high school. This will involve some sacrifice on your part for a few years, but it's critically important to your daughter's spiritual well being.

Thanks for writing, Ellen. By the way, if you don't receive our Plugged In magazine, I'd strongly suggest you sign up for a subscription. Thousands of parents rely on Plugged In to keep them informed on youth trends, music, movies and video games. You might also want to give your daughter a gift subscription to our Brio magazine for teen girls. You can find these items in our online Resource Center.

Copyright © 2007, Focus on the Family.
All rights reserved. International copyright secured.