How Can I Be a Better Father?

Dear Dr. Bill:

I have two boys, ages 12 and 7. The older child is an honor student and seems to be doing very well in most areas of life. But he's growing up fast, and I'm concerned that I'm not teaching him everything he needs to know about being a man.

Also, our younger son is really struggling with low self-esteem which causes him great difficulty in making friends and succeeding in school. My wife and I are trying to help improve his attitude and behavior, but I'm having trouble connecting with this boy.

Any suggestions you have about being a better father would really help me!

— Shane

Dear Shane:

It's obvious that you love your sons very much and want the best for them in life. As your older son enters the teen years, he's going to need every bit of guidance and direction you can give him. Today's culture can be very toxic to teens as they face temptations like drug and alcohol abuse, sexual promiscuity, Internet pornography and a relativistic, "me-centered" attitude among their peers.

It will be critical for you to keep the lines of communication open with your son during the next few years. He'll also need plenty of support and guidance to help him deal with some of the things our culture will throw at him.

Let me recommend an excellent book that will give you and your wife practical, biblical advice that you can use to help him thrive during the teen years. It's titled God's Design for the Highly Healthy Teen and is written by my friend Dr. Walt Larimore, a family physician.

Regarding your younger son, what he needs most from you right now is a healthy balance between love and limits, as well as lots and lots of your time.

Our kids require large doses of LOVE on a regular basis. They need hugs, kisses, warmth, praise and a listening ear. We should be our kid's biggest cheerleaders, affirming their successes and encouraging them when they fail.

Our kids also need limits. They need to know the boundary line where their will ends and our rules begin. Learning limits means learning which behaviors are okay and which behaviors aren't. Children need to clearly understand that there are consequences for their actions, both positive and negative.

Finally, our kids need our time. LOTS and LOTS of our time. You may have heard that what's important is quality time, not quantity time. Actually, the research shows that kids need both quality AND quantity time. If you've been working long hours or focusing on your own interests, this is going to involve some re-prioritization on your part.

Since I recommended a book that will help you with your older son, here's a suggestion for one that will help you with your younger son. It's called Raising Great Kids by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Both books can be found online and in many Christian bookstores.

Shane, most importantly, both of your sons need sound spiritual guidance. If you haven't taken your faith seriously up to this point, it's time to commit yourself to reading God's word on a regular basis and praying for and with your sons. In addition, I think every man can benefit from being in a dynamic, Christ-centered men's group that focuses on growth and accountability.

Thanks for writing, Shane. Keep us updated on how your sons are doing!

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