Father-Daughter Conflicts

Dear Dr. Bill

Every day when my husband picks up our 16-year-old daughter from school, he either picks a fight or lectures her. She then calls me, angry or in tears. She feels like she cannot please him and doesn't want to be around him any more. This problem is bigger than the normal teen vs. parent-type arguments. It's true our daughter has struggled with her academics since Kindergarten, but now her dad has made her feel like she's not "good enough." I'm in the middle here — and I'm wondering how I can communicate to my husband that our daughter's self-worth is more important than her grades. Please help!

— Vicki

Dear Vicki,

I can tell you feel caught between a rock and a hard place. You love your husband but you can see that his actions are obviously harming your daughter and it tears you up inside. As a wife, you can have a great deal of influence on your husband, but you can't force him to change. My guess is that he loves your daughter just as much as you do, and he's very concerned about her future success. Unfortunately he doesn't realize that his preaching and criticism is having precisely the opposite effect from what he intends. Rather than spurring her on to apply herself and study harder, he's seriously harming her self-concept and confidence. Not only that, there's a good chance that he will permanently damage his relationship with her. Once she gets out of your home, she may want nothing to do with her dad.

I ran your situation by my colleague Dr. George Wiedmaier, our Director of Parenting Outreach, and he suggests that you gently ask your husband some questions that will cause him to consider whether his approach is working.

You might say something like "Honey, I wonder if that approach is helping or hurting her school work?" Rather than telling him he's wrong, ask him to consider if there might be a better way to achieve his goal, which is to see your daughter take her school work more seriously. George also suggests that you avoid setting up what's referred to as a communication "triangle" between you, your daughter, and your husband. While you can empathize with how your daughter feels and support her, encourage her to take her concerns directly to her dad. She needs to be able to tell him directly how she feels when he criticizes her, using "I statements," such as "Dad, when you say those words to me I feel worthless inside."

Vicki, you didn't mention whether or not your husband is a Christian, but if so, he needs to understand that the bible commands us not to "exasperate" our children. Instead, God calls us to lovingly guide our kids. The Lord is much more concerned about instilling godly character qualities in our children than about pushing them to get straight "A's" or become the captain of the soccer team. If your husband trusts and respects your pastor, you might ask him if he'd be willing to sit down and discuss this conflict with him.

One resource you may find very helpful is our Focus on Your Child parenting seminar on DVD, "The Essentials of Discipline." In those DVDs, my colleague Dr. Dobson clearly explains the difference between authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative parenting. Your husband's style is obviously more authoritarian, and the DVDs may help him to see that his approach is doing much more harm than good.