Our Teen Granddaughter is Not Following Our Rules

Dear Dr. Bill:

Our 17-year-old granddaughter Jordan lives with us because of custody issues involving her mother, who does not live with us. Yesterday Jordan got a tiny nose jewel which can hardly be seen — but she did so without our permission. Jordan's mother apparently told her it was okay. My husband is furious that she never consulted us. How should we handle this situation?

— Julie

Dear Julie:

The main issue here isn't the nose-piercing, it's the relationship between you and your husband and Jordan's mother. You didn't say, but I'm assuming she was married to your son at one point, or that the two of them lived together for a time. You're dealing with a classic blended family conflict, except that things are complicated by the fact that you are the grandparents, not the custodial parent.

From your e-mail, it seems apparent that Jordan's mother has a very different set of values than you and your husband share. My guess is that she is considerably more permissive and doesn't set the kind of limits that you would prefer that she enforce.

Since you mention that the nose-stud is minor and can hardly be seen, it will be counterproductive for your husband to go ballistic over this issue. That will only serve to alienate Jordan and heighten the conflict with her mother.

The best option is to request that Jordan's mother meet with the two of you, without Jordan present. Lovingly but firmly explain that you are very disappointed that she allowed Jordan to get the piercing without consulting you first. Remind her that as Jordan's legal guardians, you are responsible for her safety and well-being, and that you are doing your best to guide her by instilling positive morals and values.

Let her know that in the future, you would appreciate it if she would discuss any major decisions like this with the two of you first. If she responds defensively or is defiant, then you'll need to determine whether or not you are going to allow Jordan to spend time with her in the future. If she is allowed some type of visitation by the court, then I suggest that you express your concerns to the family court judge and Jordan's social worker.

Since Jordan is 17, she'll soon be a legal adult and responsible for her own decisions. However, she'll also be responsible for her own finances. If she'll still be living in your home, you have a perfect right to set household rules and maintain certain expectations for her behavior.

At the same time, you should also provide her with an abundant amount of love and support as she grows into young adulthood. If your husband has a parenting style which tends to be harsh and authoritarian, there's a good chance he'll end up permanently damaging the relationship. As Josh McDowell often says, "Rules without relationship leads to rebellion."

One resource I'd highly recommend is a book by my friend Dr. John Townsend, Boundaries With Teens. The subtitle of John's book is "When to Say Yes and How to Say No," which pretty much sums up your current situation. You can order the book through most online booksellers.