My Best Friend's Kids Are Driving Me Crazy!

Dear Dr. Bill:

My best friend is married with three kids, and most of the time she seems overwhelmed! Her kids have no discipline, no consequences and no rules.

I love my friend dearly, but my nerves cannot take being around her household for any length of time. I've tried to suggest that her family needs structure and discipline when they don't follow the rules, but I don't think she sees this as a problem.

I don't want to lose my friendship but I don't know how I can explain this without coming off as judgmental or harsh because I don't want to have anything to do with her kids. What do you think?

— Carol

Dear Carol:

If your friend doesn't see a problem with her parenting style, there's not much you can do. It's obvious from your e-mail that you care about her very much, but if she's not open to making changes, you're simply going to find yourself more and more frustrated with the relationship.

The bible tells us that a wise person will appreciate good advice, but that a foolish person will ignore our advice or actually hate us for giving them counsel. Obviously the suggestions you've made thus far have been falling on deaf ears. Either your friend is in denial about her inconsistent parenting or there are emotional issues that keep her from making the changes necessary to be an effective parent.

As I see it, you have two choices. One option is to accept the fact that she's not going to change and continue to love her anyway. The second option is to tell her that you care for her very much but that you're no longer going to be spending time at her home because you can't bear to see the damage she's doing herself and to her kids.

The second option will be much harder, but I believe it's actually the more loving of the two. Be prepared for the fact your friend may react with hurt and defensiveness, but you're certainly not helping her or her children by maintaining the status quo.

If she's open to hearing you out and admits that she has a problem, tell her you will do everything you can to help. A good place to start would be to attend a "Love and Logic" parenting group in her local area. You might even offer to attend with her, to give her moral support. You may even learn some helpful new parenting techniques yourself.

Another option would be to order Focus on the Family's Your Child DVD Parenting Seminar. Give it to her as a gift and ask her to commit to viewing it with her husband.

If she's unwilling to make changes, you may find that you'll eventually need to break off the relationship, especially if her chaotic parenting and her kids' negative behavior is putting your own kids at risk. In that case, the best thing you can do is continue to pray for her, and then be available if and when she hits a crisis point, which will probably come when her kids reach the teen years.

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