My Teen Daughter is a Tomboy

Dear Dr. Bill:

My 14-year-old daughter believes that girly girls are "weak" and she doesn't identify with any females. She dresses like a boy, acts like a boy and has no interest in anything feminine. She tells me she isn't a lesbian, even though kids at school call her such names and worse. She's never really had a close girlfriend, and now that she's entering high school, my husband and I are really getting worried about her.

Otherwise my daughter is a great kid — 4.0 National Honor Roll student, musically gifted, and involved in Tae Kwon Do and track. She's a really sweet person. I've talked with her repeatedly about how looking and acting like a girl doesn't mean weakness. I've also tried to explain why being socially acceptable is important.

Both my son and husband are embarrassed by how she looks and acts — mainly because they've heard what other people are saying about her. Everything I have read online about this issue says we should back off and let her develop in whatever way she chooses as long as she isn't hurting anyone. But I really want my daughter back, and I don't know what else to do. What do you suggest?

— Dayna

Dear Dayna:

Some girls are simply wired to be more "tomboyish." Each of us is born with different temperamental factors that predispose us to have certain likes and dislikes. Your daughter may simply be genetically wired to enjoy more "masculine" pursuits. However, the fact that she rejects anything feminine as "weak" and unattractive could be a result of underlying family dynamics.

Ask yourself this: Do I have a warm, nurturing relationship with my daughter, or do I have difficulty relating to her? Does she know that I love and accept her unconditionally, or does she tend to look to her dad for support and encouragement?

A girl can reject her femininity when her mother is emotionally unavailable or depressed, or if she constantly observes her mom being belittled or "put down" by her husband. It can also be a result of past or ongoing sexual abuse. I'm not saying that any of these factors are responsible for her behavior, but they are definitely things to consider.

While her tomboyish behavior does NOT mean she is homosexual, it's possible that she may be feeling pressure to identify as lesbian. There is a tremendous amount of misinformation about gender issues in our culture, and it's possible that she is being encouraged to "come out" by her peers, a teacher or even a well-meaning but misinformed school counselor. It's important for you and your husband to know that there are no replicated scientific studies indicating that homosexuality is genetic.

Given everything I've mentioned, I'd suggest you contact our counseling department here at Focus on the Family and talk to one of caring Christian counselors. They can refer you to a licensed Christian therapist in your area. Since family dynamics may be at least partially responsible for your daughter's behavior, it would be helpful for your entire family to engage in the counseling process, at least initially. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at (719) 531-5181.

By the way, an excellent book on this topic is Restoring Sexual Identity by Anne Paulk. We have that available here at Focus on the Family. You can also find excellent resources on the Web site for Exodus International.

Copyright © 2007, Focus on the Family.
All rights reserved. International copyright secured.