Forgiving Infidelity
Should I reconcile with my husband after he had an affair?
Dear Dr. Bill:
I've heard you talking about forgiveness on this program, and I wonder if you can help me. I'm having trouble forgiving my husband for his adultery. I discovered the truth back in February and kicked him out of the house. Now he wants to reconcile, but how can I stay married without losing my self-respect?
Maybe I can forgive my husband, but I don't think I can love him like before. And if I divorce him and lose my house, it would feel like I was being punished for something I didn't do. What do you think?
— Kendra
Dear Kendra:
I'm very sorry to hear about your husband's affair. I'm sure the past 10 months have been very difficult for you, and that you've experienced feelings of shock, anger, sadness and betrayal.
If your husband is truly repentant, I believe you should give reconciliation a chance. You may find it hard to believe, but many couples whose marriages were devastated by adultery have been able to put the pieces back together and go on to have a fulfilling, loving relationship again.
Every one of those couples will tell you the process involved a lot of hard work, and that the feelings of love didn't return overnight. But some would tell you that their marriage is healthier now than it was prior to the affair.
If you are willing to at least consider reconciliation, I'd encourage you to find a Christian therapist who is experienced in working with marriages impacted by adultery. Focus on the Family's counseling department may be able to help you locate a therapist in your area. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at (719) 531-5181.
Also, let me recommend an excellent book that I know you'll find helpful. It's titled Unfaithful: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity, and it's by Gary and Mona Shriver, a couple whose own marriage survived an affair. We'll be airing their story on the Focus on the Family daily broadcast in the near future. In the meantime, you can find their book through most online booksellers.
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