My Teen Son is Having Premarital Sex

Dear Dr. Bill:

I just discovered that my 17-year-old son has had sex with his girlfriend. I don't know how long this has been going on, but they've been dating for about a year now. Both attend church and profess to be Christians, but I haven't seen any fruit in my son's life. He claims to love this girl and wants to marry her, but both of them seem too young and emotionally unstable for such a decision.

My husband and I are uncertain how to best handle this situation. Should we separate this young couple even if it means hurting our relationship with our son? And should we tell her parents, who are also Christians, but don't attend our same church? Any advice would be most helpful.

— Kathryn

Dear Kathryn:

Unfortunately, the scenario that you describe is far too common these days. Many Christian teens are not pursuing sexual purity, and the results are often devastating, both for the teens and their families.

I'd suggest you and your husband sit down with your son and his girlfriend and have a "heart to heart" talk. Explain that you are saddened and disappointed with their behavior, but do your best not to react in anger or "preach" at them. That will prove counterproductive and will simply drive a wedge between you.

Explain that sex is a beautiful gift from God when it is part of a committed marital relationship. But sexual activity outside of that relationship leads to serious spiritual, physical and emotional consequences.

Show them in Scripture how God has given us a standard for sexual behavior, and help them to understand that if we claim to be following Him, we are called to follow those guidelines. I'm constantly amazed how many Christian teens don't understand this basic concept, often because they don't know what God's Word actually says about sexuality.

Even though your son and his girlfriend say they love each other and want to get married, at their age, they really have no idea what marital commitment means. You describe them as emotionally immature, and if they did get married, chances are their relationship would simply become another divorce statistic in a few years.

As far as talking to the parents of your son's girlfriend, I believe you should encourage her to talk to her parents about the situation first. But give her a deadline, and tell her that you are going to be contacting them whether or not she talks to them first. Then sit down with your son, his girlfriend and her parents, and develop a plan for pursuing sexual purity in their relationship.

I'd encourage you to contact us here at Focus on the Family and order the tape of the broadcast titled "A Message to Teens about Sex" with Fran Sciacca. Listen to it with you son, and ask him to seriously consider Fran's message. You might also want to get a copy of the book How to Talk to Your Teens About Sex by Linda Klepacki and David Scherrer. For more information about this resource, call Focus on the Family at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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