Is My Son Becoming a Bully?

Dear Dr. Bill:

I'm concerned that my 7-year-old son may be a bully-in-the-making. I know he can be pushy and often tries to dominate other kids. He always likes to be the "winner" — as if he's trying to prove himself. And when provoked, he retaliates very hard. He doesn't know where to draw the line physically, and has hurt other kids in the past.

My son is small for his age and is generally very popular at school, though I wonder how long that will last. My husband and I have been working with him about not losing control, but it's hard to get his attention when he becomes aggressive. I'm wondering if this behavior is just a phase, or is it something we'll have to really watch and work on his whole life? We really would appreciate any input or suggestions you have for us.

— Tammy

Dear Tammy:

The first question I would ask you is, how do you and your husband respond when you are angry or frustrated? The fact is that children learn how to relate to others by observing their parents. Do either of you lose your temper easily? Do you yell, scream or get aggressive with each other or with your kids when you are angry? If so, you're going to have to change your behavior if you expect to see any positive changes in your son.

If you are certain that you deal with anger and conflict in a healthy way, it's possible that your son may be lashing out because of his size. Many bullies actually have low self-esteem and pick on others in order to feel better about themselves. Of course this backfires — other kids avoid them like the plague and they become even more isolated. This in turn can lead to more anger and more aggressiveness.

If your son is reacting in this way, you'll need to work at two things: affirming him and rewarding him when he acts appropriately, and implementing consequences when he gets aggressive. You'll need to enlist the help of the other adults in his life to do this effectively.

Talk to his teacher, the school principal, the bus driver and the parents of the kids in the neighborhood. Let them know that you are working to improve his behavior and that you want them to contact you immediately whenever he is aggressive. Let your son know that you will be doing this, and clearly spell out what the consequences will be when he crosses the line.

Balance this with regular doses of encouragement and affirmation. Affirm your son for his strengths and praise him when he exhibits positive character qualities. The bible provides us with a great list of such qualities in Galatians 5:22-23 — the "fruit of the Spirit."

You also might consider enrolling your son in a traditional martial arts program that stresses discipline and character development. Research shows that such programs can actually reduce aggressive behavior and bullying. But with any martial arts training, it's important to ask questions about the philosophy of the particular program. Some martial arts schools are steeped in eastern religious beliefs and others tend to focus on fighting rather than discipline and self-defense.

Tammy, let me recommend a good book that you and your husband may find helpful. It's called Respectful Kids: The Complete Guide to Bringing Out the Best in Your Child by Dr. Todd Cartmell. You can find it through most online book retailers.