My Husband's Porn Addiction is Destroying Us
He refuses to address this situation. What do I do?
Dear Dr. Bill:
My husband's addiction to pornography is consuming our lives. He started with print-porn during his teen years and has files of photographs that he's collected. Today he's heavily involved in internet pornography, and even though he denies visiting such web sites, I've seen the records in our computer. My husband refuses to address this situation because he doesn't believe he's doing anything wrong. We've been to several counselors but nothing has helped. He's a perpetual liar and "yes man;" he cleverly manipulates these counselors to get them off his back.
I'm not bragging, but I am a good-looking woman. I work out regularly and eat a healthy diet. But my husband has ignored me and our son for the past several years, ever since our son was born. I worry constantly how all of this will impact our son. What should I do?
— Lisa
Dear Lisa:
There are two prevailing views of pornography in today's world. One view, put forth by many secular professionals, is that pornography isn't harmful and that it can actually enhance a couple's sexual relationship.
A completely different view of pornography is based on a biblical perspective of human sexuality. That view would see pornography as a violation of the marriage covenant and the equivalent of committing adultery.
You didn't mention whether or not you and husband are Christians. If you're not, it may be that the counselors you've consulted don't acknowledge the addictive nature of pornography and the devastation it can cause in a marriage.
I would encourage you to seek out a Christian therapist who specializes in this field. Since your husband refuses to admit he has a problem, you may need to see the counselor on your own for a while. The therapist can help you see the situation clearly, and help you develop the strength and courage you'll need to make significant changes in your marriage.
Unless you take bold action, nothing is going to change. Dr. Dobson talks about this at length in his book Love Must Be Tough That book will walk you through the steps you'll need to take, starting with giving your husband a clear ultimatum. Either he acknowledges he has a serious addiction and gets professional help, or you and your son will be leaving.
I'm not suggesting divorce — rather a deliberate time of separation that will force your husband to wake up and see that he risks losing everything he holds dear. And you'll need to set a clear deadline — a specific date in the very near future.
Before you take such a bold step, you will need to enlist the support of close friends and family members. Many women in your situation suffer in silence, too ashamed or embarrassed to tell others about the agony they are going through. You may even want to plan a formal intervention, involving members of your husband's family — assuming you have a healthy relationship with them and trust their judgment.
Lisa, I'd encourage you to contact Focus on the Family's counseling department. One of our compassionate Christian therapists will be glad to talk to you and refer you to an experienced counselor in your local area. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at (719) 531-5181. Also, I'd suggest you visit our Web site which is dedicated to this issue, Pure Intimacy.org.
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