Explaining Death to Young Children

Dear Dr. Bill:

My grandmother is in the final stages of cancer. She is wasting away and her physical changes have been dramatic since her great-granddaughters — my girls who are 3- and 6-years-old — saw her last. In Grandma's moments of clarity, she has asked to see my girls one last time, and everyone in the family thinks this is a good idea — except me.

I'm concerned that my girls are too young to be exposed to this situation and will be frightened by Grandma's appearance. Even though they've been asking a lot of questions about what's going on, I don't know how to explain the concept of death without creating more fear in them that everyone they love will leave them. What do you think?

— Macy

Dear Macy:

I realize this is a very difficult decision for you. You want to protect your children from fear and pain, yet you want to honor your grandmother's wishes to see her great-grandchildren.

My personal perspective is that death is part of life, and that with the proper type of preparation, it would be good to allow your daughters to say "goodbye."

I believe you should be honest with your girls about what is occurring. Use age-appropriate language and explain that great-grandma is very, very sick. Tell them that sometimes people get so sick that there bodies don't work right anymore, and they may look very different than they used to.

Let them know that great-grandma has lost a lot of weight because of her sickness, and that she is very skinny. If she has lost her hair, prepare your daughters for that as well.

Explain all of this in a calm, non-threatening way. If you are anxious or fearful, your daughters will pick up on this, and it will cause them to be afraid.

Tell them that great-grandma would like to see them to say "goodbye" before she dies. You didn't mention your grandmother's spiritual beliefs, but if she is a Christian, share with your daughters that God will give grandma a brand-new healthy body in Heaven, one that will never get sick or die. Even though your daughters may not fully comprehend this concept, it's important to focus on this hopeful aspect of death.

Macy, let me recommend an excellent children's book about death that you can read with your daughters. It's titled Someone I Love Died by Christine Harder Tangwald. The book directs children to God as the ultimate source of comfort and security. It also includes practical suggestions for helping kids cope with the death of a loved one. You can learn more about the book when you contact us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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