Teen Son Failing at School

Dear Dr. Bill:

Our son is 16-years-old and seems determined to fail high school. We've struggled with his grades since elementary school, and no matter what my husband and I have tried, he's either unwilling or incapable of taking his education seriously. We've even had him tested several times for ADHD and other disabilities, but the results have come back negative.

We've always held our son accountable for his grades and effort — not allowing him to have certain privileges unless he does the work. But he's not organized and always tells us he has no homework or nothing to study. And his schools have never been helpful in letting us know about overdue homework or assignments or even upcoming tests until it was too late. Unless someone is constantly supervising him, our son gives little or no effort. He's quick to begin talking, misbehaving and playing the class clown. Now his high school teachers say he's supposed to be "self-accountable," so it's up to him whether he passes or not.

My husband and I have tried positive rewards and punishment. We arranged for special classes, summer school, tutors and even counselors, and nothing makes any difference. We're perplexed because we can't find any reason for this. We have a loving family and generally our son is well-behaved. My husband and I understand the value of good education, and in today's competitive world, that seems more important than ever. But our son doesn't seem to care. Should we stop trying to help and let him suffer the consequences?

— Barb

Dear Barb:

Based on your description, you are doing many of the right things. I'm sure it's frustrating to work so hard with your son and see so few results for your efforts. You've provided him with support, encouragement and even extra academic help, but nothing seems to work.

You asked if you should stop trying to help him and let him suffer the consequences. I would vote "yes." If your son were 8 or 9 years old — or even 12 or 13 — I'd probably advise that you continue to work with him just as you've been doing. But the fact is, your son is just two years away from becoming a legal adult. It's well past time for him to begin to experience the natural consequences of his actions (or in his case, his failure to act).

I'm not suggesting you give up on him. I'd continue to support and encourage him, and be available to him if asks for your help. Beyond that, I'd suggest that you and husband schedule a sit-down meeting with him, away from the other kids. Let him know that you love him very much, and that because you love him, there are going to be some significant changes in what you expect from him.

Tell him that you've been trying so hard to help him succeed in school that you've actually prevented him from learning to solve his problems for himself. Remind him that in two short years — just over 100 weeks from now — he will be on his own. Explain that because he doesn't appear to be interested in academics, you won't be paying for college. And since he won't be going to college, his career options will be very limited. Tell him that if he wants to live at home after he graduates, he will need to work full-time and he'll be expected to pay for room and board.

If you have been giving him an allowance, tell him the payments will be coming to an end in 30 days. In addition, let him know that he will now be responsible for paying for anything beyond the basic necessities. That means he's responsible for his own gas, entertainment, cell-phone minutes — everything other than food and shelter. That means he'll need to find a part-time job to pay for any extra-curricular activities or outings with his friends.

Chances are your son will be shocked at this turn of events, and he may even get angry. Reassure him that you're not taking these actions to be "mean," but rather because you love him so much that you want to help him prepare for the "real world" — and that real world is just about 100 weeks away.

Let him know that if you see some major changes in his attitude and actions toward school work, you are open to renegotiating these new rules. But impress upon him that you will need to see concrete evidence of these changes in the next 30 days — and spell out exactly what benchmarks he will need to meet.

If your son demonstrates a real willingness to change, you might even consider enrolling him in one of the private academic skills training programs like "Learning RX." But he must agree to attend all the classes and do all the assignments on time. If not, encourage him to pick up an application at Taco Bell.

By the way, Focus on the Family has an excellent resource you may find helpful. It's a book titled Giving Your Child the Excellence Edge by Vicki Caruana. You can learn more about it by contacting us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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