Developing a Teen Boy's Self-Confidence
My 15-year-old son is still very shy and nervous around girls his age.
Dear Dr. Bill:
My 15-year-old son is still very shy and nervous around girls his age. Can you give me some suggestions about how to help improve his confidence in this area?
— Priya
Dear Priya:
I appreciate the fact that you're concerned about your son, but I've got news for you — millions of 15-year-old boys are shy and nervous around girls. I know I was.
The early teen years are incredibly challenging. Kids are going through puberty and all of the physical and emotional changes that go along with it. They are dealing with peer pressure and want desperately to fit in and be popular. And of course, they are trying to relate successfully to the opposite sex.
Most teens in our culture are very self-conscious about how they look, act and are perceived by others. One of the best ways to combat self-consciousness is to serve others. Teens who reach out to others or get involved in service projects often feel a tremendous sense of fulfillment. And in the process of serving others, they begin to focus less on themselves and build more confidence. Encourage your son to get involved in a club or organization that is service-oriented. The school counselors should be able to recommend some good ones, either at the school or in the community.
If your son isn't involved in a youth group, ask other Christian parents if they can recommend one. It should be a church group that is focused on growth and discipleship, rather than simply fun and games. If your son's school has a Young Life club, that organization provides a great way to get connected and reach out to others.
As your son gets involved in a group, he should try to develop some non-romantic friendships with girls whom he isn't necessarily attracted to. Teenage boys tend to stumble all over themselves around the pretty, popular girls. But as he develops relationships with girls who may not be the prettiest but who have solid character, he'll learn how girls think and relate. As a result, he'll begin to feel more comfortable and confident with the opposite sex.
Priya, let me recommend an excellent book that you'll find helpful. It's called God's Design for the Highly Healthy Teen. It's written by my friend Dr. Walt Larimore, and I think it's one of the best resources available for parents of teens. You can find it through most online booksellers.
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