Should I Let My Teen Use Facebook?

Dear Dr. Bill:

My husband and I have a teen son who is almost 15 and a really great kid. He's never given us any trouble — until recently. When he asked us about using MySpace and Facebook, we were very firm and said NO. We've talked with him many times about how the computer can be both helpful and harmful, and we explained that Facebook was originally created for college students, not high school freshmen.

But I've since discovered that he secretly set up a Facebook account without our knowledge or permission. I was livid, but my husband and I talked calmly with our son, explaining the dangers — how his account included our home address, where he goes to school, even his birth date! Then we deactivated the account and have grounded him from the computer, his cell phone, and from LIFE! (Just kidding.)

Now I would love to turn off our computer and throw it in the trash, but I know this is not realistic. We practice good computer rules in our home, but even as a stay-at-home mom, I can't watch my son every moment of every day. Plus, I don't want to overreact and hover over him. But how can we prevent this kind of thing from happening again?

— Amber

Dear Amber:

I hear from many parents who are extremely concerned about how technology and the Internet are impacting the lives of their kids. One of the best experts I know on this topic is my friend Vicki Courtney, the founder of Virtuous Reality Ministries and the author of the book Logged On and Tuned Out. I submitted your question to Vicki, and here's what she suggests:

Amber, you mention that your son is "a really great kid," has "never given you any trouble" and is "almost 15." Given that information, I'm wondering why you would completely ban him from Facebook, rather than allow him to partake in this freedom under your guidance and watchful eye.

I can certainly understand your hesitancy to allow him on the site given the media attention the social networking sites have received, but the sites can also be used to bring glory to God. The key of course, will be your involvement.

I have allowed my freshman-aged son to set up a profile on Facebook, but as a condition, I have his login and password information. I can log onto his account and check it over anytime. In addition, we set up parameters on the front end concerning what information he can share, and had him sign off on a contract of safety guidelines before we would allow him to participate.

Further, I added the conditions that he not join our city network or make his page public to his entire high school network. In other words, his page can only be viewed by those he allows as "friends."

Your son was wrong to set up a page behind your back, and of course, there should be consequences for his dishonesty. However, I encourage you to ease up some on your total ban from Facebook. At the very least, give your son some hope of a minimum age that you will allow participation during his high school years.

I fear that if you ban him from the site for the entire time he's under your roof, you will send an overall message that you don't trust him. Chances are, he will set a page up the minute he moves out and you will have lost any opportunity to walk him through the process and train him to use the Internet in a responsible manner.

It's a tricky balance when it comes to extending freedoms while at the same time, offering protection. The key will be staying engaged in the process, and it is clear that you are a caring parent who would make that a top priority.

Some good advice from Vicki Courtney. By the way, the Internet contract Vicki mentioned can be found at www.loggedonandtunedout.com.

Thanks for writing, Amber. If you'd like to order a copy of Vicki's book Logged On and Tuned Out, call Focus on the Family at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459), or visit our online Resource Center.

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