When a Young Child Is Being Bullied at School

Dear Dr. Bill:

For the past several weeks, our 9-year-old son has been having emotional meltdowns every morning. He refuses to go to school and has been complaining routinely of stomach aches and sore throats. He also says that all the kids either ignore him or say mean things like, "Go away," "We hate you" and "We don't want to play with you."

This is very troubling because our son is very smart and gets almost perfect grades. His teachers say he's a model student. My husband and I have talked repeatedly with these teachers and the school principal about this, but they say our son never tells them anything about it. We don't know what to do at this point, and we're worried about our son's anxiety and emotional health. Plus, he's already missed 30 days of school this year! Please help!

— Sharon

Dear Sharon:

When a child is under a great deal of stress at school, it's not unusual for them to report physical symptoms like stomach aches. It seems clear that your son is being bullied, at least verbally, and his teachers and the principal seem unable or unwilling to do anything about it.

I suggest you talk to the principal one more time. Ask him if the district has a school psychologist who could meet with you and your son to discuss some practical strategies to address the issue. Given your description, your son could benefit from "assertiveness training," learning what to say and do in social situations, particularly when he is ridiculed or picked on.

In addition, meet with his individual teachers and the playground supervisor and ask them if they would be willing to closely observe your son interacting with other kids, both in the classroom and on the playground. Hopefully they will be able to identify the children who are bullying him, and take firm actions to nip the bullying in the bud.

If you take these actions and you don't get any cooperation from the school, then I would advise you to consider other educational options. These could include transferring him to a different public school, enrolling him in a private Christian school or home schooling him, at least for a period of time.

If the problems are as bad as you describe, removing him from the hostile school environment is critical for his psychological well-being. Also, since your son is very intelligent and gets excellent grades, a change in schools shouldn't negatively impact his academic achievement.

By the way, if your son's school doesn't have a school psychologist on staff, I'd suggest you ask your pediatrician for a referral to a child psychologist in your community. Meet with the psychologist without your son present, explain your concerns, and ask if he or she can work with your son to develop more assertiveness and improve his social skills.

Thanks for writing, Sharon. By the way, our counseling department here at Focus on the Family is available to talk to you about your son. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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