My Husband Falsely Accused Me of Infidelity

Dear Dr. Bill:

My husband was recently involved in a week-long missions trip out of country. While he was gone, I enlisted some friends to help me care for our 18-month-old daughter. One of my best friends happens to be a male coworker, and during my husband's absence we hung out several times, watching movies or doing work-related projects in the evening after my daughter went to bed.

When my husband returned home, he was not happy about this situation at all. Although my friendship with this male coworker is completely platonic, my husband seems to think it's impossible to have a non-sexual relationship between two adults of the opposite gender.

I was very surprised by his reaction and hurt when he expressed suspicions that I was involved in an affair. He's requested that I never spend anymore time alone with my friend and coworker. I am faithful to my husband. I love him, and I want our marriage to be strong. I've told him I will do whatever it takes to make him feel like he can trust me. But I feel very resentful about his completely unfounded suspicions, and I'm upset that I have to break off one of my few friendships. What do you think?

— Jana

Dear Jana:

Many married individuals enjoy healthy, non-romantic friendships with the opposite sex. But for the health of your marriage, it's critical to place protective "boundaries" on these relationships. Inviting a male coworker over to your home while your husband was out of town was a clear violation of those boundaries.

I realize that from your perspective, the visits with your coworker were completely innocent — and I don't doubt that they were. But your husband was obviously wounded by your actions. Although he overreacted by suspecting you of having an affair, try to put yourself in his shoes. If YOU had gone on a missions trip for a week and returned home to learn that he had invited a female coworker over to "watch movies together," how would you have felt? Assuming he assured you that the relationship was completely platonic, would it make any difference if his coworker was a very attractive single woman?

The Bible gives us some clear guidelines about our behavior with the opposite sex. Ephesians 5:6 warns us to avoid even a "hint" of sexual immorality or any kind of impurity. 2 Peter 3:11 commands us to live "holy and godly lives." Even though your intentions were pure in this situation, consider how it might appear to your other coworkers if they learned about it.

It's clear from your e-mail that your marriage is very important to you. I'd encourage you to put aside your resentment and talk things through with your husband. Acknowledge that you made a mistake by inviting the coworker over, and reassure your husband of your love for him. If for some reason he is unable to "let it go," then there are obviously deeper trust issues that the two of you need to work through. In that case, I'd recommend you make an appointment with a good couples therapist in your area. Our counseling department here at Focus on the Family may be able to provide you with a referral. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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