My Teen Son Won't Do His Chores

Dear Dr. Bill:

My husband and I are having problems with our 14-year-old son. After we ask — and sometimes repeatedly insist — that he do work around the house like unloading the dishwasher, something always seems to get broken or cracked. This week, it was some expensive glasses. Before that, it was the snow shovel, right after he was asked to shovel the driveway.

Our son dislikes work of any kind, and this feels like his rebellious way to "pay us back." I guess he thinks that if he keeps this up, we won't ask for his help anymore. Of course we require him to pay us back for these damages, but he falls so far into debt that he never has any money and stops caring about it. What can we do about this?

— Robyn

Dear Robyn:

What you're describing is a classic case of "passive aggressive" behavior. Your son agrees to perform a chore or task that he doesn't want to do, but then lashes out in anger by "accidentally" breaking a dish or wrecking the snow shovel. It's important to nip this behavior in the bud, as your son is developing a pattern that will cause him significant problems later in life — with bosses, colleagues, even his future spouse.

It's likely that he feels he doesn't have the freedom to discuss requests or chores with you or your husband. Because his perception is that there is no room for discussion or negotiation, he reluctantly agrees to the task but then acts out in passive aggressive ways.

It's important for you to understand that at 14, your son is no longer a young child. He is a budding young adult, and one of your responsibilities is to prepare him for the adult world. Part of making this transition involves a willingness on your part to engage him in dialog — to "give and take" on some issues instead of simply telling him "it's my way or the highway!"

Sit down with your son when all three of you are in a good mood and address the issue directly. Let him know that you understand that he hasn't been happy about some of the chores he's been given, and that you are willing to negotiate his assignments around the house. But tell him that the destructive behavior needs to stop. Even though he may claim that he "accidentally" broke the items, tell him you know they are his way of expressing his anger and that that type of behavior is unacceptable.

I suggest you come up with a behavioral contract that defines what his regular chores and responsibilities are. Give him some choice in the matter. For example, if he hates shoveling snow, give him the option to substitute another chore, such as sweeping out the garage or vacuuming the house.

Also, build in a reward system for chores that go above and beyond his regular contribution to the family. As you've pointed out, your current system of docking him or charging him for his misbehavior isn't working — he's so far in the hole he can't dig his way out. Provide a way for him to pay you back for the damaged items that is reasonable and fair. And offer him special privileges or extra money for the more difficult chores that no one in the family wants to do.

Be very specific about what's expected of him — what the rewards will be for following through with his chores and what the consequences will be when he acts out in passive aggressive ways. Then all three of you sign the contract and post in on the fridge.

Let me recommend an excellent book that I know you'll find helpful. It's called Boundaries With Teens and is written by my friend Dr. John Townsend. You can find it through most online book retailers.

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