Preteen Daughter Interested in Boys
My 12-year-old daughter is already interested in boys. My husband and I disagree on how to handle this.
Dear Dr. Bill:
Help! My husband and I have a difference of opinion about our 12-year-old daughter and her interest in boys. She and her best friend like to talk about "cute" boys and often tease each other about who has a crush on whom. To me, this seems like normal preteen behavior. But my husband feels she is too young for this and such activity will lead to worse behaviors when she is older. I respect my husband very much and want to be united with him; however, I wonder if he's being too strict on this. What do you think?
— Melanie
Dear Melanie:
Your daughter is entering a critical stage in her development. How you and your husband relate to her during the next few years will have a huge impact on her future well-being and your eventual relationship with her as an adult.
When a girl enters the preteen years, many fathers find it difficult to adjust to the fact that their little girl is about to blossom into a young woman. Some men respond by being too overprotective and end up permanently damaging the relationship with their daughter.
Your husband needs to understand that your daughter will be profoundly impacted by peer relationships during the next few years. Today's teen culture is filled with temptations and dangers, and he is right to be cautious and concerned. However, cracking down with rules and restrictions will only lead to rebellion on the part of your daughter.
It's vital for you and your husband to acknowledge that your role as parents will be gradually shifting as your daughter enters her teens. Rather than simply protecting her from the dangers lurking out in the world, your focus during the next few years should be preparing her to face the temptations she'll be encountering as a teenager and young adult.
Consider this — if she goes off to college at 17 or 18, you'll no longer be able to control her environment or protect her from negative influences. That's why it's critical to help her develop strong moral character during the next five years, and to equip her to make wise decisions on her own, when you're not around to hold her hand.
So rather than simply forbidding talk of boys and crushes, now is the time to begin discussing issues like wise decision making, sexual purity and how to judge character in relationships.
I always try to recommend good resources here on Weekend Magazine, so let me tell you about an excellent book that you and your husband will enjoy reading together. It's called God's Design for the Highly Healthy Teen. The book is written by my friend Dr. Walt Larimore, and you can order it through most online booksellers.
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