Stressed-Out Stepfather

Dear Dr. Bill:

I was a single mom of 4 daughters, and I met a wonderful man who had no children. He has become an amazing father-figure for my girls, and we recently married and had a son together. But now I'm concerned that my husband is feeling overwhelmed — because of a new marriage, a new family and a new baby — plus a recent move and a job change! In many ways it feels like our family is living on the edge, and I really don't want anything to destroy our marriage or my relationship with my kids. What can I do to support my husband during this difficult time?

— Joy

Dear Joy:

Given all of the recent changes in your husband's life, it's no wonder he's feeling stressed out. He is truly blessed to be married to a wife who is sensitive to this issue and wants to support him.

My guess is the most significant stressor in his life right now is his new job. It sounds like he is the sole financial provider for the family, and most men take the role of protector and provider very seriously. If he is under pressure to produce at work or is in situation where he is learning an entirely new job, his stress level may be off the charts.

Your husband will benefit from an extra measure of support and encouragement during this difficult time. Let him know you understand how much pressure he is under, and ask him if there are specific ways that you and the kids can support him. If he needs a little time to decompress in the evenings or on the weekends, give him that space. If there are household projects that need to be done but that can wait a few months, let him know that there's no hurry.

If any stepparent conflicts have come up with your girls, it's critical that you are both on the same page when it comes to setting limits and enforcing discipline. In many blended family situations, biological children come to resent being disciplined by their stepparent. In fact, it's often helpful for the biological parent to be the primary disciplinarian for a while. It doesn't sound like this is an issue with your family, but you might check in with your husband on his perspective.

Finally, one of the most important things you can do right now is draw near to God. If you don't pray together as a couple, start doing it every night. Turn over your stress and anxiety to the Lord and ask Him to give you a sense of His peace. If you're not involved in a supportive, caring church, find one in your community and get plugged in. Many larger churches even have Sunday school classes or small groups that are dedicated to stepfamilies.

There's an excellent book that I often recommend to couples who have remarried. It's called The Smart Stepfamily and is written by my friend Ron Deal. I think it's one of the best resources available on this topic, and it's written from a Christian perspective. You can order the book from Focus on the Family by calling us here at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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