When Grandparents Spoil Their Grandchildren

Dear Dr. Bill:

I would like your perspective on this statement: "It's a grandparent's job to spoil their grandchildren." This is just one of many such comments I've heard from my parents and my in-laws over the years whenever I've voiced concerns about their excessive generosity to our kids.

Generally, my wife and I have a great relationship with our parents, and we make family time with them a priority. But when it comes to our kids, they lose all interest in respecting our wishes about appropriate gifts and how much money they spend. And I'm starting to see the consequences of it in the character of my kids.

Recently, for example, my extended family was visiting the mall. My son wanted to check out a videogame store and my mother volunteered to go along. I told my son, "Okay, but don't buy any games. You got one recently and have enough." My son agreed. But later I saw Grandma secretly give him some money; he was hesitant at first, but eventually he took it and bought a game. When I confronted my mother about disregarding my instructions, she said, "I wanted to because he's my grandson." And then she went on to excuse her behavior because I didn't specifically tell her not to buy anything for him!

I know we need to address this problem immediately in a loving, respectful way. I don't want to do anything that would be unkind or unfair or that would jeopardize the good relationships we have with these grandparents. What suggestions do you have for us?

— Omar

Dear Omar:

Although every grandparent may occasionally spoil his or her grandchildren, the situation you mentioned may be symptomatic of a much greater problem. In this case, your mother deliberately defied your wishes and undermined your authority as a parent.

You're right — you do need to address the problem, and soon. I appreciate the fact that you want to broach the subject in a loving, respectful way. As you stated, you don't want to do anything that would jeopardize the positive relationship you have with your parents.

I'd suggest that you and your wife schedule a dinner out with your parents, leaving your kids with a sitter. Begin the conversation by letting them know how much you love and appreciate them, but that there is an issue that's been troubling you that you'd like to discuss.

Tell your parents that you are working hard to raise children who love and honor God, and that you are trying to help them learn the value of money and the importance of work. Explain that although you appreciate their generosity toward your kids, you are beginning to feel that they are undermining your efforts by their actions.

Relate the details of the recent incident with the video game, and tell them how it made you feel as a parent. Make sure your mom understands what your son did, and that her actions actually encouraged him to disobey your specific instructions.

Before you have this conversation, I'd encourage you and your wife to spend some time in prayer. Ask the Lord to soften your hearts toward your parents and to help you to see things from their perspective. If your mother grew up in a lower-income home in which she never had toys and felt deprived, she may be trying to heal her own hurts by lavishing possessions on your kids.

It's difficult to say how your parents will react to this conversation. They may be hurt for a while, but it's critical for you to address the issue before more resentment builds.

Focus on the Family carries an excellent book that you may find helpful. It's called Loving Your Relatives, Even When You Can't See Eye to Eye. You can learn more about the book when you phone us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-459).

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