Bad Communication Leading to Divorce

Dear Dr. Bill:

My wife and I have been through some very stressful experiences, and I've contributed to our problems because of my own communication issues. Basically, when I get stressed out, I get really quiet and that has left my wife, Sally, feeling very isolated and alone. It's been tough for her to raise our two daughters, ages 4 and 2.

Now, Sally is ready for a divorce. We've been going to counseling, and I've been trying hard to be more open and available to her. I see changes in myself, but she does not. I keep praying and asking Sally to not end our marriage, but she seems like she's at the end of all hope. What can I do about this?

— Daniel

Dear Daniel:

I admire the fact that you are willing to work on your relationship, and I feel for your situation. The honest fact is that marriage counseling can be a long and difficult process with many ups and downs along the path.

From your description, your relationship has been struggling for some time, and there are no "quick fixes." Your style of "shutting down" under stress and your failure to support your wife in the parenting process may have caused her to emotionally "check out" of the marriage some time ago.

My friend and Focus on the Family colleague Joanne Condie conducts week-long intensive marriage counseling retreats with highly distressed couples. Here's what she suggests:

Frequently, the style of "hiding emotionally or relationally" is learned at a young age. What might seem protective as a child becomes a problem in adulthood. Your personal method of reacting is the most common one used by men, especially during stressful arguments. It sounds as if you might be taking this to the extreme, resulting in the near fracture of your marriage.

In her female heart and mind, your wife may interpret your style of getting very quiet as a sign that you don't care and are basically indifferent to her needs, that you don't love her enough to "try harder," and that you only care about yourself and tending to your own needs when you are stressed, abandoning her at a time when she wants validation and reassurance.

If that is not your intention, explain to her how important she and the kids are to you, how much you love them and that you are committed to continue counseling until you discover what is shutting you down. Also, let her know that you are committed to finding a spiritual mentor or a small group of men for the purpose of learning how to become a better husband and father.

Some great advice from Joanne. Daniel, I suggest you also pick up the book Hiding From Love: How to Change the Withdrawal Patterns that Isolate and Imprison You. It's written by my friend Dr. John Townsend, and it can be ordered along with an accompanying workbook that will help you tackle the unhealthy pattern you describe. You can find this resource through most online booksellers.

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