When to Let Kids Learn the Hard Way
When my son is having problems, when do I step in to help, and when do I let him learn on his own?
Dear Dr. Bill:
My husband and I have a wonderful 7-year-old son. He's charming, funny, smart and energetic. But he does have a few annoying habits that show up when he's around other kids.
Our boy can be very possessive and territorial — like a toddler who's never learned how to share. This behavior has lead to fights with his friends and other kids in the neighborhood, and I feel torn about the best way to deal with that.
Should I intervene each time and try to work out the problems these kids are having? Or would it be better to let my son learn the hard way — that his attitude and actions will soon leave him friendless? What do you think?
— Maria
Dear Maria:
You ask an excellent question: Should we let our kids face the natural consequences of their misbehavior, or should we intervene before they really get hurt and try to steer them in the right direction?
Given the age of your son, I think the answer is "both." At seven years old, you may need to "connect the dots" for him. In other words, you will need to help him see the direct connection between his selfish behavior and the way kids respond to him.
Sit down with your son and tell him that you are growing more and more concerned about how he is interacting with other kids. Point out some concrete examples of his possessive, selfish behavior, and let him know that if he doesn't make some changes, no one will want to play with him or be his friend.
You didn't mention your family's religious beliefs, but I'm assuming you are Christians. The fact is, God has given us some great guidelines in scripture about how we are to treat other people. Galatians 5:22-24 tells us that we are to love other people, be kind to them, and treat them with gentleness. God also tells us to be patient with others and to demonstrate self-control in our actions.
I'd suggest that you and husband discuss these concepts with your son and tell him that you want him to learn how important they are in his relationships. Explain that one of the ways you're going to help him learn is by implementing consequences when he acts selfishly or treats other kids with disrespect. Then follow through, and take away toys or privileges when he acts mean or doesn't share. In addition, praise and affirm him when he demonstrates kindness and is generous with other kids.
A great book that will help you train and instruct your son in all areas of life is Boundaries with Kids by psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend. You can order this resource from Focus on the Family by calling us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).
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