Dealing With a Parent's Infidelity
My mom's marrying the man she's had an affair with and wants me to welcome him with open arms.
Dear Dr. Bill:
My parents recently got divorced because my mom was having an affair. Since then, she's moved in with this other man and plans to marry him within a few weeks. My husband and I live out of state, and it's been very difficult to deal with all of this.
My mom is angry with me for not greeting her boyfriend with open arms. She's threatening to not attend any family functions unless he is welcomed, but frankly I don't want to welcome him. I think I'm struggling to work out how I "feel" before I know how I should behave — does that make sense? What do you think? Should I be more accepting of my mom's decision and readily welcome her new husband?
— Amanda
Dear Amanda:
I can tell you are really struggling with this situation. You love your mom but you are obviously frustrated and angry with her behavior. She cheated on your dad, moved in with the guy she had the affair with, and now she wants to marry him. Plus, she is demanding that you fully accept this whole mess with no reservations.
As an adult, your mom can choose to make her own decisions and live her life the way she wants. On the other hand, she needs to accept that there are consequences for her actions. One of those consequences is that her children may be angry with her for her behavior and may choose not to accept her boyfriend with open arms. This may be a tough pill for her to swallow, but she's going to have to swallow it nonetheless.
You may want to write a letter to your mom and lay this all out on the table. If possible, try not to be defensive and make accusations; instead simply tell your mom how you feel. Let her know you still love her, but that you are disappointed and angry about her affair and her unrepentant behavior. Given the situation, you have a perfect right not to attend her wedding. In a sense, doing that would simply celebrate her sinful behavior.
By the way, my friend Dr. John Townsend has written an excellent book that may help you write your letter and relate to your mom in the future. The book is called Handling Difficult People, and you can order it from most online booksellers.
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