No Longer Close With Teen Daughter

Dear Dr. Bill:

My relationship with my 13-year-old daughter has changed dramatically since she entered the teen years — I feel like I'm experiencing the "Invasion of the Body Snatchers!" I'm having trouble connecting with her because she's on her cell phone all the time, either talking or texting someone, and she insists on spending every spare moment with one or more of her friends.

Her actions frequently hurt my feelings. I feel silly admitting this, but I often cry in private about it because I had such a close and loving relationship with my own mother. I don't remember going through this kind of estrangement when I was my daugther's age. I feel like I've lost something very precious. Is this a normal phase? Or do I need to act now before the problem gets worse?

— Susan

Dear Susan:

When a child enters the teen years, they begin to pull away from their parents somewhat and connect more closely with their peers. This is a normal process called separation and individuation, and it's part of what prepares a child to enter adulthood. This process can be very difficult for parents, especially moms, as they often feel like they are losing the close relationship they had with child when he or she was younger.

It sounds like this transition has hit you pretty hard. Your e-mail doesn't describe tension or conflict with your daughter, and it doesn't appear that she is engaging in rebellious or dangerous behavior. Your main concern is that you don't feel as close to her as in the past and that this has been emotionally difficult for you.

I'm wondering if part of the reason for this is that you've been looking to your daughter to meet all of your emotional needs. If so, you should know that this isn't healthy — for you or for your daughter. In fact, it may be part of the reason she seems to be pushing away from you now.

Although it's wonderful that you have a close relationship with your daughter, your e-mail didn't mention anything about your relationship with your husband. If marriage isn't close or fulfilling, this could be part of the problem. I would encourage you to seek professional help to work on your marital relationship. Strengthening your marriage will not only benefit you and your husband, it will benefit your daughter as well.

If you're a single parent, it's crucial that you pursue close, nurturing relationships with other women, perhaps through your church. If you don't have any close female friends, ask God to give you the courage to develop friendships with women who can encourage and support you, especially as you are going through this time of transition with your daughter.

As you develop a closer relationship with your husband and with female friends, you may find that your relationship with your daughter improves as well. You won't look to her to fill up your emotional cup, which in turn may free her from some of the pressure she feels to be your sole confident and support. That may lead to a healthier parent-teen relationship in the future.

An excellent book that will guide you through this process is Boundaries with Teens by my friend Dr. John Townsend. You can order the book from Focus on the Family by calling us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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