Fiancé Has a Porn Problem

Dear Dr. Bill:

My fiancé and I are both 24 years old. We've been engaged for about a year and plan to get married after we finish grad school next year.

When we first started dating, my fiancé admitted he had a problem with pornography, but he said it wasn't very often. At the time, I believed we could overcome it together. But two years later, it seems to be worse. He's honest and tells me about when he looks at it and how he feels guilty and dirty afterwards. But he admits that this an addiction.

We've tried to take precautions so he won't have access, but he still finds ways to look at it. What else can we do to help stop this addiction? And, is this something that should make me reconsider the marriage?

— Jessica

Dear Jessica:

You're not alone. The research on pornography use indicates that millions of young men — and many married men — view it on a regular basis. Many of these men are clinically addicted to porn use, even though they might not admit it.

The good news is that your fiancé understands that viewing pornography is harmful to him and to your relationship, and he wants to quit this addiction. Tragically, many men don't see using porn as a problem, and many believe it will "spice up" their marriage. This couldn't be further from the truth.

I'd suggest that your fiancé seek out a Christian therapist who specializes in treating pornography addiction. Our counseling department at Focus on the Family can provide him with a referral to a therapist in your area. Your fiancé can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

You should both understand that the counseling process will take some time — you shouldn't expect an "overnight cure." Also, it's important that the therapist addresses the spiritual aspects of his addiction as well as the emotional ones. Viewing pornography is a sin, and it violates God's intent for human sexuality. In fact, in a sense, for a married man, the use of pornography is equivalent to committing emotional adultery.

Your fiancé's therapist may also suggest that he enter an accountability group with other men who are working on the same thing. The therapist may bring you into the counseling process as well, since your fiancé's use of porn has already impacted your relationship and will be a factor if you move forward into marriage.

If your fiancé is willing to take these steps and demonstrates a real willingness to make changes in his behavior, there is no reason to call off the engagement. However, I would suggest you postpone the wedding until you are confident that he is on the road to recovery.

Also, if you haven't pursued a structured, premarital counseling program that includes personality testing, sign up for one. In my opinion, every couple considering marriage should commit to such a program, preferably before they get engaged. We have a book about this by Susan and Dale Mathis called Countdown for Couples. You can learn more about it by calling 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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