Dividing Time Between Children

Dear Dr. Bill:

My husband and I have two daughters, ages 10 and 8. Both suffer from the "you-love-her-more syndrome." If I buy something for or spend any "mom" time with one daughter, I'm accused of loving her more than her sister! What can we do to turn this situation around?

— Nicole

Dear Nicole:

Since both of your daughters have the same complaint, here's a question for you: Could it be that you are not spending enough time with either of them? You didn't provide much info about your family situation, but if you're a working mom, how much time do you spend with your girls in the evenings and on weekends?

I'd encourage you not to buy into the myth that what children really need is "quality" time and not "quantity" time. The quality of your relationship with your kids is directly proportional to the amount of time you spend with them on a daily and weekly basis.

Even if you don't work outside the home, it may be that you will need to make some sacrifices, cutting back on the time you spend on hobbies, church activities, even cleaning — a healthy relationship with your children is much more important than a spotless home.

If you are spending plenty of time with your girls, then I'd suggest that you and your husband begin to teach them about the vital character qualities of service and self-sacrifice. Point them towards the life of our Savior, who put others ahead of himself and taught us to do the same. Read the "foot washing" passage in the 13th chapter of the Gospel of John as a family, and then discuss what it means in the context of your girls' relationship with each other.

In addition, begin to focus on praising and affirming each girl when she serves her sister or puts her needs before her own. It's likely that both of them will respond positively to the extra attention from you, and their relationship with each other will improve in the process.

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