My Young Son is Overly Attached to His Mother

Dear Dr. Bill:

I have a 5-year-old son who is very attached to my wife. She homeschools him, and they spend a lot of time together. There are days when it seems impossible to separate him from my wife.

For example, my son insists that she sit with him at the back of the car, that only she can clean him up, that only mama can read bedtime stories, etc. And if this doesn't happen, he cries like he's been rejected or abandoned. Since I work full time, I normally see him for only 2-3 hours a day.

On weekends we have more time and we have great fun playing, reading and doing other boy things. But I wonder if he'll ever grow out of this phase where he prefers my wife to me.

— Steve

Dear Steve:

After I read your e-mail, I consulted with my friend Joe Dallas, a counselor and author who has worked extensively in the field of gender issues. Joe suggests that there is no reason to assume that your son won't outgrow this phase, but he does have a few suggestions for you.

First, make sure that you and your wife are on the same page regarding this issue. Hopefully she will agree that is a potential problem that needs to be addressed, and she'll commit to providing more opportunities for you and your son to bond together.

You should begin to take a more active role in changing and bathing your son, reading him his bedtime stories, and other regular parent-child activities. Don't give him the option of having Mom do it, but make it clear — very kindly and gently — that Dad is going to do the bathing or reading tonight. If his reaction is severe, you might consider having your wife sit nearby, so her presence is a reassurance to him. But it will still send the message that Dad is in the picture and involved.

It's encouraging to know that you are spending plenty of "dad time" with your son on weekends. You might also initiate some new, fun weekday evening activities with him, such as reading together, playing some kid-friendly board games, or going on a walk to the park and playing on the swings or tossing around a Frisbee.

By the way, if the problem persists or if your wife is resistant to you taking a more involved role with your son, then I would encourage you to consult with a family therapist. Our counseling department here at Focus on the Family can refer you to a licensed Christian therapist in your area. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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