Young Couple Struggling With Sexual Purity

Dear Dr. Bill:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two and a half years. I'm 19 and he's 20. We are really struggling with physical intimacy. We both feel like we'll be getting married when the time is right, but in the meantime, he's comfortable with more intimacy than I am. I want to keep my body and his completely pure until our wedding day, but I'm not really sure what that means. Where do we draw the line? What is meant by sexual immorality? I've tried reading the Bible about this, but I'm still confused. What do you think?

— Megan

Dear Megan:

You're not alone. Millions of Christian young people are dealing with this same struggle. It's a real challenge to remain sexually pure when every message from the culture says "just do it" with no thought as to the consequences.

Based on your e-mail, I believe there is a much larger issue at stake then "how far is too far." You mention you've been dating for two and a half years and that you "feel like you'll be getting married when the time is right." My question to you is "when will the time be right?" If you are committed to each other and committed to God's design for sexuality, what's preventing you from moving forward with engagement and marriage?

If you and your boyfriend aren't prepared to get married within the next year to 18 months, then I would encourage you to consider if it's a good idea to continue dating. The sexual pressures aren't going to get any easier to bear, and the longer you date, the closer you will become emotionally. If you aren't both committed to marriage, why are you walking down this road in the first place?

If your reason for delaying marriage is based on financial or educational considerations, then I'd suggest you take a break from the relationship until you are truly ready to get married. You might be interested to know that the research on divorce indicates that a couple's chances of marital success are actually much greater if they wait until they're at least age 23 before tying the knot.

You asked what the Bible says about sexual activity outside of marriage. The Apostle Paul writes that it is God's will that we should "avoid sexual immorality," and that each of us should learn to control our own bodies "in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen who do not know God" (1 Thessalonians 4: 3-5).

Megan, let me recommend a great book that I know you and your boyfriend will find helpful. It's titled Pure Excitement: A Godly Look at Sex, Love and Dating. It's written by Joe White, and it's available from Focus on the Family. Just call us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459) for more information.

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