My Grandson Is Rude to Me

Dear Dr. Bill:

My 9-year-old grandson likes to express his views in a rude and critical way. Recently, I took him and his younger siblings on a camping trip. But when things weren't going the way he wanted, he began to criticize me about how his little sister, age 4, wasn't having any fun — when I had, in fact, made a special point of entertaining her while her brothers were fishing.

I wish I could say this was the first time I yelled at him for this sort of thing, but it's not. We seem to get into a situation like this every time we spend an extended amount of time together. I love my grandson dearly, but I can't stand his rudeness. Please help me understand why this happens, and how I can avoid it happening again.

— Winnie

Dear Winnie:

If your grandson is rude and critical, that is a character problem that his parents need to deal with. I'm assuming you've discussed this issue with his parents. If not, you should.

Of course you'll want to choose your words carefully, and whatever you do, don't criticize their parenting skills. Instead, let them know how much you love your grandson and want him to succeed in life. Explain that you've noticed that he sometimes expresses his opinions in a rude and critical way. Ask his parents if they have observed that behavior at home, and if so, if it concerns them.

If they agree that it's a problem but tell you that they don't know what to do about it, ask if they would like your input. If they do want your advice, you might suggest they read a good book on instilling character in kids. Two good suggestions are Jill Rigby's book Raising Respectful Children in a Disrespectful World and Kevin Leman's book Have a New Kid By Friday. Based on your e-mail, I believe that you will find those books helpful as well.

If his parents deny there is a problem with his behavior and react defensively, there are obviously much larger issues at play in the family. In that case, you can only control how you respond to your grandson.

You mentioned that you tend to yell at him when he is critical or rude. Losing your temper and reacting in anger will simply compound the problem. Instead, you'll need to learn to respond calmly but firmly, implementing consequences when he treats you or his siblings disrespectfully. This may involve taking away a toy or privilege for a time, and requiring him to apologize for his behavior. Let his parents know in advance that you will be taking these actions, so that there are no surprises.

Thanks for writing, Winnie. I pray that God will use you to be a positive influence in your grandson's life.

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