Should My Boyfriend and I Live Together?
We're thinking of sharing an apartment until we get married.
Dear Dr. Bill:
My boyfriend and I are talking about marriage. We live in different states and would like to save money for our wedding, so we're thinking about sharing an apartment. I have a 6-year-old daughter who loves this man dearly. The plan is for my boyfriend to have his own room, and I would share the other with my daughter. What do you think?
— Karla
Dear Karla:
If you and your boyfriend are Christians and are committed to sexual purity, I think this plan is a very bad idea. Although your intentions may be pure, you will be subjecting yourselves to a tremendous amount of sexual temptation. The bible commands us to "flee from sexual immorality" (1 Corinthians 6:18) and to live in a way that is "holy and honorable" (1 Thessalonians 4:4).
You also need to consider the message that this living arrangement would send to your daughter. God's design for sexuality is that it is a beautiful gift, meant to be shared between a husband and wife in a lifelong, committed marital relationship. If that is a lesson you want your daughter to learn, you will be sending her a confusing, mixed message by living with your boyfriend, even if you are able to resist sexual temptation.
In addition, you'd be placing her in a very awkward situation with teachers, friends and relatives. She will certainly be asked about the living arrangement. When that happens, do you expect her to say, "My mommy's boyfriend lives with us, but don't worry — they aren't having sex"?
Karla, if you and your boyfriend do become sexually involved, you should know that the research on cohabitation isn't pretty. Couples who live together before marriage have a 60-80% higher divorce rate. Cohabiting couples also have higher rates of domestic violence and are more likely to cheat on each other. Also, if a couple lives together and the woman becomes pregnant, there is a very high likelihood that the relationship will end within two years, leaving her to raise the child on her own.
I'd like to recommend that you and boyfriend read an excellent book that I know will help you make wise decisions in your relationship. It's titled Before You Live Together by my friend Dave Gudgel. You can order it from Focus on the Family by calling us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).
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