Should I Officiate a Wedding for a Cohabitating Couple?
A couple has asked me to perform their wedding, and I'm not sure if I should.
Dear Dr. Bill:
I've been asked to perform the wedding of a young couple who are in their mid-20s. If I do so, it will be my first, and I've asked to meet with them for some premarital counseling. The woman grew up in church but I don't think she attends regularly, and I'm uncertain about the man's spiritual condition.
What I do know is that they are currently living together. I know what the Bible says about avoiding sexual immorality (1 Thessalonians 4:3) and being unequally yoked (1 Corinthians 6:14). And I've read your articles about cohabitation on the Focus on the Family Web site. But any help you can offer about how to communicate the truth in love would be appreciated. I want to do the right thing and help them do the right thing, too. So what would you say if you were in my position?
— Paul
Dear Paul:
Paul, first of all, let me tell you how much I appreciate your heart and your commitment to speaking honestly to this couple about their relationship and communicating God's intent for sexuality and marriage.
My suggestion would be to meet with this couple before agreeing to perform the ceremony. Ask some basic questions in order to ascertain where they are at spiritually. If you believe that the young woman has made a commitment to Christ but that her fiancé has not, offer to meet with them to teach them more about God's design for marriage and relationships, but tell them you will not be able to officiate at their wedding.
Explain that the bible is very clear that Christians are not to marry outside the faith, and that unless the woman's fiancé is willing to make a commitment to Christ, you can't bless their wedding. You might also offer to meet with the young man individually for a few months, teaching him about the basics of the Christian faith. You may even have an opportunity to lead him to Christ.
If both the man and the woman do profess to be Christians, ask them if they believe that living together and having sex outside of marriage is truly God's will for them. It may be that they are simply biblically illiterate and need to be educated about God's design for sexuality. If they are willing to live separately for a time and pursue sexual purity, you could then agree to see them for premarital counseling and perform their wedding.
On the other hand, if they tell you that they don't see anything wrong with cohabitating and believe living together outside of marriage is just fine in God's eyes, let them know that you will be unable to officiate at their wedding. Tell them that that you care about them and that if they are open to it, you would be willing to continue to meet with them as a pastor and a friend, helping them to learn what it means to pursue God's best for them in their relationship.
Paul, let me recommend an excellent book that I know you'll find helpful as you work with young couples like this one. It's called Before You Live Together, and it's written by Dave Gudgel, a pastor in Phoenix who has counseled hundreds of young couples who were preparing for marriage. To learn more about this helpful resource, call us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).
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