Our Young Child Hits Us After We Spank Her
After we spank our daughter, she hits us back. What do we do?
Dear Dr. Bill:
We're concerned about a discipline problem with our 4-year-old daughter. Lately, she's been hitting or kicking us after we spank her or whenever she gets upset. We've tried everything — talking to her, time-outs, and more spankings. But when she gets worked up about something, it's hard to get through to her. We wonder if spanking is really the best form of discipline — maybe she thinks if we hit her, she can hit us back! Normally, she is well-mannered, she gets along great with the kids at her pre-school and she rarely requires any kind of discipline. However, we have noticed that most problems occur close to naptime or bedtime when she's tired. Do you have any recommendations for us?
— Kathy and Jerry
Dear Kathy and Jerry:
When I received your e-mail, I contacted my friend Dr. Den Trumball, a physician who researches child discipline methods for the American College of Pediatricians. Dr. Trumball believes that spanking is most necessary when a child is under 3-1/2 years of age. That's because reasoning and taking away privileges simply don't work with very young children.
From 3-5 years of age, a parent can use spanking and time-outs as part of their discipline plan, but they should also begin to use consequences and the taking away of privileges. As a child gets older, if we reply solely upon one method, it will become less effective. For many school-aged children, privilege removal is actually more "painful" than spanking.
Dr. Trumball also reminds parents to use proper technique if they are going to spank their children. Give your child a warning before each spankable offense. If they deliberately disobey, calmly inform them of the upcoming spanking, escort them to the designated room and administer the spanking. Typically that would involve one or two swats on the buttocks with an open hand or spanking paddle. Follow up the spanking with a brief review of the offense.
For an out-of-control child, Dr. Trumball recommends repeating the spanking procedure up to three times, after which he recommends holding the child tightly in your lap, facing outward until they calm down. This may take 5-10 minutes.
By the way, you mentioned that most of the problems with your daughter seem to occur when she's tired. A child your daughter's age should still get a daily nap in the early afternoon and her bedtime should be no later than 7:30 at night. Also, make sure you have a planned snack time between meals with plenty of healthy foods.
To learn more about the appropriate use of spanking, visit the Web site for the American College of Pediatricians.
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