Angry at Spouse for Premarital Sex
I've just discovered my husband had sex before we were married. How do I respond?
Dear Dr. Bill:
When we were dating, I thought my fiancé and I had saved our virginity for each other. But after we got married, I learned my husband was sexually involved with another woman before he met me. My husband has since apologized to me and God about this relationship, but I can't let it go. I'm angry, disappointed and feel like I can't possibly be the true love of my husband's life. Are these feelings normal?
— Amalia
Dear Amalia:
It's clear that you feel very hurt and angry about your husband's past relationship. Your situation clearly demonstrates that bringing sexual "baggage" into a marriage can destroy the trust and intimacy between a husband and wife. That's why God's design for human sexuality is for men and women to pursue sexual purity before marriage, and then to remain faithful and monogamous to their spouse.
That being said, there are a few things you need to consider about your particular situation. First of all, although you said that you "thought" your fiancé was a virgin before you got married, did you actually discuss this issue with him while you were dating? If you simply assumed he was a virgin without specifically asking him about it, it's unfair to accuse him of deceiving you. It's likely that he felt ashamed and embarrassed about his past behavior, which is why he never brought it up while you were dating.
Also, you mention that your husband has "apologized to you and God." From your description, it appears that he has repented of his past sin and feels a deep sense of remorse about his behavior.
Assuming that his repentance is genuine — and it sounds like it is — I would encourage you to put aside your resentment and jealousy and extend grace to him — just as God extends grace to you for your own sin.
You may need time to work through your shock and disappointment, and your husband should grant you that time. However, if you are unable to let go of your anger, I would suggest that the two of you see a Christian therapist or pastoral counselor. Our counseling department at Focus on the Family can provide you with a referral in your local area. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).
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