My Boyfriend and I Are Fighting Over My Daughter

Dear Dr. Bill:

My boyfriend and I are struggling with a parenting problem that's starting to mess up our relationship. I'm wondering if you can help.

Jay and I have been living together for 5 years now and one issue that's always gotten in the way is my 8-year-old daughter. She doesn't respect Jay and is constantly fighting with him. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm caught in the middle, and now Jay says if I don't get her to listen to him, our relationship might be over. For the past 4 years, Jay was a fantastic man, but I don't know what happened. Now all we do is fight and yell at each other. Do you have any advice for us?

— Bridgette

Dear Bridgette:

You are dealing with a challenge that is common to millions of step-families. Unfortunately the problem is compounded by the fact that you and your boyfriend are living together and have never married. So you had a child with one man and you're not married to the man you live with now — a man who, for all intents and purposes, takes the role of your child's father. Pretty complicated stuff, especially for an 8-year-old child.

You should know that the research on couples who live together isn't pretty. The level of commitment is much lower than in marriage, and when conflict occurs — over finances, values, or children — the couple simply doesn't have the social and emotional "glue" to hold them together. In cases like yours, it's not unusual for the man to simply take off, leaving you to raise your daughter on your own as a single mom.

But setting aside the cohabitation issue for a moment, you should know that from a parenting standpoint, your "couple" relationship needs to take priority over your relationship with your daughter. In situations like yours, it's fairly common for the mom to side with her child and be more permissive, while the step-dad ends up doing the majority of the disciplining and playing the role of "bad cop." This is doomed to failure.

You and your boyfriend need to get on the same page, decide on a clear parenting plan, and work as a team. If you don't present a united front when it comes to discipline, privileges, chores and school work, your daughter will play you against each other and your relationship won't last. You can find some specific advice on how to make these changes in a book called "The Smart Stepfamily" by my friend Ron Deal. It's available from us here at Focus on the Family. You can call us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459) to request a copy.

By the way, you didn't mention anything about your religious beliefs, but if you are a Christian, you should know that God has a specific design for male-female relationships. His intent, as clearly spelled out in the Bible, is that sexual expression should be limited to a committed, monogamous marital relationship. I'd encourage you to pray about your relationship and talk to your pastor about how to pursue God's best for you, your boyfriend and your daughter.

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