My Parents Object to My Boyfriend
I want to marry him, but my parents object to him because of his past mistakes. What should I do?
Dear Dr. Bill:
I've been dating my boyfriend, Francisco, for about 4 years now. We're both 18 years old, and we've begun talking about marriage.
But my parents object to Francisco because of his past mistakes. He lost his virginity to a previous girlfriend, he was involved in a minor theft, and he wasn't serious about his life for a long time. But since he met me, my boyfriend has turned his life around. He's grown close to God, he's very involved in his church, and we've become the best of friends.
We talk about everything and have worked through our problems together. I am willing to forgive Francisco of his past, but my parents are not. And, they feel like I'm missing God's best by continuing to date him. What do you think?
— Melissa
Dear Melissa:
I can tell from your e-mail that you are really agonizing over this decision. You feel caught between your love for your boyfriend and your love for your parents. You want to respect their wishes, but at the same time, you feel they misunderstand Francisco and won't acknowledge that he has made some fundamental changes in his life.
The first thing I would tell you is to take your time. You are only 18-years-old, and there is no reason to rush into marriage. My guess is you're thinking, "We've been dating for four years; we should know each other well enough to get married." But even though you may feel that you're ready to get married, you and Francisco may still have some maturing to do.
Your parents are right to be concerned about Francisco's past mistakes. A person's past behavior is usually a very good predictor of their future behavior. On the other hand, you believe that you've seen significant changes in his character, particularly since he has committed himself to Christ. The best way to determine if those changes are authentic is to see if they persist over time.
I'd also suggest that you talk to your pastor and your Christian friends that you respect the most. Ask them what they think about the situation. If Francisco has been attending church with you regularly, they've had an opportunity to get to know him and observe his behavior close up. Because of that, they should able to give you some wise counsel about your relationship.
Finally, I'd recommend that you read Dave Gudgel's book Before You Get Engaged. The book will help you ask the right questions and determine what's most important in a marriage partner. You can order the book by calling us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).
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