Teen Seeking Dating Advice

Dear Dr. Bill:

I am 17-years-old and have been in foster care for 7 years now. I listen to your program every chance I get, and I'm wondering if you can give me some dating advice. How do I know when I've found the "right person" to date? I've had other relationships that haven't gone so well, and I knew afterwards there was a problem. But how can I find the right person in the first place?

— Bryce

Dear Bryce:

I appreciate the fact that you are being so thoughtful about relationships. Unfortunately, a lot of young people your age don't put much thought into dating, marriage or sexual purity.

An important fact to remember is that although physical appearance and personality may be the things that initially attract you to someone, what's most important in a relationship is their character. You can only learn about someone's character over a period of time as you learn about their morals, values and how they treat you and other people.

Because of this, I'd suggest that before you begin dating a girl romantically, you get to know her as a friend. As you spend time together, perhaps in a group setting, take time to observe how she thinks, what's important to her and how she interacts with others.

The bible provides a wonderful list of qualities that you can consult as you consider dating someone new. In Galatians 5:22, we're told that a person who manifests the fruit of the spirit exhibits qualities like peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Of course, all of us are fallen human beings, which means we often blow it and act in ways that are completely contrary to that list. That's where the Holy Spirit comes in. But if a girl you are attracted to doesn't display any of these qualities, she's definitely not a good prospect — even if she's incredibly smart, successful and beautiful.

Bryce, if you're not involved in a church youth group, I'd suggest you do some research and find a church in your area that has one. But make sure that the group stresses things like discipleship, spiritual maturity, and Christian service, rather than simply fun and games.

Also, you mentioned that you are a foster child, but you didn't say anything about your relationship with your foster parents. If you respect them and trust their judgment, ask them for their opinion before you start dating a girl. If you don't have a good relationship with them or you feel they are poor role models, I'd encourage you to seek out an older married couple who can provide you with a real-life example of what a healthy relationship looks like. Your pastor or youth pastor may be able to match you up with a couple like this at your church.

Finally, let me recommend a good book you might want to read. It's called Pure Excitement: A Godly Look at Sex, Love and Dating. The author is teen expert Joe White, and I know you'll find it helpful. You can order the book through most online book sellers.

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