Teen Daughter Involved with Young Adult Guy

Dear Dr. Bill:

Our daughter is a mature 16-year-old who looks much older than her age. She has never dated, always being more focused on school, sports, church and friends. But she knows a young man, age 25, who is very involved in our church praise band and the youth group that our daughter attends. He is very likeable and held in high esteem at our church. For the past year he and my daughter have had a fun, brother-sister kind of relationship — but my mother's intuition has kept me on the alert.

My husband and I help with the college-age group in our church, and this young man visits our home quite a bit. I am a constant presence when he's over, but all he and my daughter have done together is sit at the computer, play music or talk. My daughter assures me they are just friends — "He's 25, Mom!" And it's not that I don't trust him; in fact, if she were his age I would praise God for bringing such a great man into my daughter's life. But she's only 16. I don't really know if I should be concerned about any of this. What would you do if you were in my place?

— Judi

Dear Judi:

In this situation, I think you're very wise to trust your "mother's intuition." This young man sounds like a wonderful guy, and at the present time, it appears that his relationship with your daughter is purely platonic. But feelings change over time, and it's certainly possible that your daughter could become romantically attracted to him. It's possible that he may already be attracted to her — but simply hasn't acknowledged his attraction to her, or perhaps even to himself.

It's also fair to ask the question — at 25, why is he spending so much time with a 16-year-old, instead of with women his own age? Even though he's a godly man, it could be that he's somewhat insecure relationally, and may feel more comfortable relating to teenagers rather than to his own peers.

I'd suggest that you and your husband sit down with this young man and have a frank, open discussion about the situation. Let him know how much you respect him and appreciate the positive influence he has on your daughter.

Tell him that you have no reason to believe that their relationship is anything more than friendship, but that you feel you need to raise a "caution flag," given their age difference. Ask him to prayerfully consider whether or not he might be developing romantic feelings for your daughter or be physically attracted to her. If he acknowledges that he does have such feelings, suggest that it might be better to limit the one-on-one time they spend together.

If he becomes angry or defensive about your concerns, then I'd consider that to be a "red flag." At that point you'll need to decide if you want to continue to allow your daughter to spend time with him. You may even want to discuss the issue with his parents and with the college pastor at your church.

It's also important to have another, more detailed discussion with your daughter about this relationship. Explain that although she may not have romantic feelings for this young man now, it's certainly possible that those feelings may develop down the road. After all, she is becoming a young woman, and God designed young men and young women to be attracted to each other — even if there is a nine-year age difference between them.

Make sure she understands that you don't doubt her when she says that she only feels friendship for this young man. But because she doesn't have any dating experience, encourage her to "guard her heart" and to let you know if she begins to feel uncertain or confused about her feelings.

One more thing — let both of them know that if she was 23 and he was 32, you would view the situation very differently. Although the age difference would still be a reality, at 23 your daughter should have the life-experience and emotional maturity to decide if she wants to enter into a relationship with a man who is nine years her senior.

Let me also suggest an excellent book that your daughter can read, or that you can read with her. It's called Pure Excitement: A Godly Look at Sex, Love and Dating by Joe White. You can learn more about the book from most online booksellers or your local Christian bookstore.

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