Teen Daughter is Sexually Active

Dear Dr. Bill:

Our 16-year-old daughter was raised as a Christian, but this past year, she's become angry with God and rejected the church. Last week, I discovered she's had sex with her boyfriend. When my husband and I lovingly confronted her, she was terribly upset and confused. But despite the risks we've repeatedly talked about — like pregnancy, sexually-transmitted diseases, etc. — she seems determined to continue this behavior.

My husband and I don't know what to do. Should we put her on birth control? We're afraid that enforcing strict rules will only drive her away. The only thing we know to do at this point is pray.

— Cecie

Dear Cecie:

Teens who are sexually active aren't likely to change their behavior because we warn them about the risk of pregnancy or sexually-transmitted diseases. Although those risks are very real, most teens feel invulnerable and aren't likely to be dissuaded from having sex because of possible negative consequences in the future.

Providing your daughter with birth control will only compound the problem. It will send the message that you implicitly approve of her behavior — or that you've thrown your hands up in the air and said "I may not agree with your choices, but you are incapable of remaining abstinent and not acting on your sexual impulses."

You mention in your e-mail that your daughter has become "angry at God" in the past year, but you didn't explain why. Was she let down by one of her Christian friends? Did you experience some type of hardship or tragedy in your family? Did she experience rejection in her youth group?

If her decision to act out sexually is truly related to her feelings of anger and rejection, then you need to deal with the root of the problem, rather than the symptoms. Empathize with your daughter's hurt feelings, but help her to see that sexual activity with her boyfriend is only going to compound her problems in the long run, not solve them.

Also, rather than focusing on the possible negative consequences of premarital sex, help your daughter to develop a vision for God's beautiful design for sexuality. God doesn't tell us to confine sex to marriage because he's some kind of cosmic killjoy. Instead, because he made us, he knows that our sexuality is intimately related to our emotions, our thoughts, our will and our spirit. When we engage in sexual activity outside of a committed, monogamous marital relationship, we may experience temporary pleasure, but we will never find true happiness or fulfillment.

Focus on the Family has several excellent resources that address this issue. One of them is the book Pure Excitement: A Radical, Righteous Approach to Sex, Love and Dating. The author is teen expert Joe White, and you can learn more about the book by calling us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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