How Do I Discipline My Stepchildren?

Dear Dr. Bill:

I recently married a fantastic man and became the "bonus mom" to his two teenagers, ages 17 and 14. These kids have had little or no discipline or structure for at least four years since their mom and dad got divorced. So, as result, they refuse to do any chores like cleaning their rooms, cleaning up after themselves in the kitchen or doing their own laundry. Both are rude and disrespectful, and I'm concerned that their bad habits won't help them once they move away and live on their own.

As their "bonus mom," is it appropriate for me to discipline my stepchildren? Unfortunately, my efforts to bring a little organization into my new family is causing a lot of tension and drama for all of us, and creating friction between me and my husband. What do you suggest we do?

— Kim

Dear Kim:

The situation you are describing is very, very common in stepfamilies. Although I can empathize with your concern about your stepchildren's behavior, it's important for you to understand that it will be an uphill battle to try to change them.

You mention that they've had little or no discipline or structure in their lives for at least four years. That tells me that your husband has failed to provide them with appropriate boundaries or guidance, and it's likely that their biological mother has failed in this regard as well. Given that, it's unrealistic to think that you will be able to "save" these kids and undo all the damage their parents have done.

I'd suggest you have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband when the kids aren't around. Let him know that you felt obligated to try to whip his kids into shape in order to prepare them for the future, but you've realized that's not your job. Tell him that you fear his kids are heading for an unpleasant future, but that you refuse to assume the role of "bad cop" in their lives. Let him know that from now on, you are going to leave the disciplining up to him. Tell him that you will support him in that role, but you refuse to take the lead.

Only time will tell if your husband is willing to step up to the plate and provide the needed limits and structure for his kids. Unfortunately, if he doesn't, it will likely lead to marital conflict between the two of you. Research indicates that the divorce rate for couples who bring stepchildren into a relationship may be as high as 85 percent. I pray that you won't become another statistic.

By the way, an excellent book that you and your husband might want to read together is The Smart Stepfamily by my friend Ron Deal. It will provide you with practical strategies you can use to make your home a more peaceful place. You can order it from us by calling 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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