Adulterous Husband Wants to Reconcile
My husband has been having an affair but claims he wants to reconcile. What should I do?
Dear Dr. Bill:
My husband began an affair two years ago. He moved out, but denied it was going on for months. He repeatedly told me he wanted our marriage and family to work, but he kept meeting with this other woman. Our divorce was just finalized and now he realizes that he's losing his family. He claims that he wants to reconcile, but there are several complications — he works with this woman and says that things would get very ugly if he breaks off the relationship quickly. Plus, since he coaches baseball, I won't really know for the next 5-7 months if he's really going to follow through on this until the season is over. So how do I know if I can really trust him?
— Sandra
Dear Sandra:
From your description, your husband has done nothing to indicate that he regrets having the affair or feels remorse over the way he has hurt you and your children. Although he may feel sorrow about the fact that he's about to lose his family, his actions aren't those of a man who is truly repentant. The fact that he is unwilling to break off his relationship with the other woman because "things could get ugly at work" is a clear indication that he's really only concerned about himself.
When a violation like an affair has occurred, it often takes a long time for trust to be rebuilt, both for the spouse and for the children. For reconciliation to occur, your husband would need to take specific actions to re-build trust, such as immediately terminating the affair with his co-worker.
He could also demonstrate that he is serious about making changes by joining a men's accountability group at a local church or a 12-step group like Sexaholics Anonymous. He needs to find a group of men with whom he can be completely open and transparent, and who will be willing to hold him accountable to his commitment to you and your children.
If he's willing to take these actions, the next step would be for your entire family to commit to family counseling. First, you and your husband need to work through any issues in your marriage that may have led to the affair. If you don't, unresolved issues in your relationship will surface again.
After you've dealt with the marital issues, your children need to join you in the counseling process, especially if they are older. They've got a lot of emotional baggage to unpack, and that needs to be done with an experienced family therapist. Our counseling department here at Focus on the Family can provide you with a list of licensed Christian therapists in your area. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).
Copyright © 2009, Focus on the Family.
All rights reserved. International copyright secured.