Rebuilding Broken Trust with a Teen

Dear Dr. Bill:

We're having some trust issues with our 14-year-old daughter. My husband and I confronted her about a boyfriend relationship she started behind our back. Because of a purity pledge she made last year, we trusted her to keep relationships with boys pretty casual, but we were shocked to learn that there was more involved than just liking and talking to each other. We told her that she was too young for a romantic relationship, and she agreed to abide by our rules.

But since then, we've discovered that our daughter started a Facebook account — again without us knowing about it. We informed her about the dangers of Facebook and then told her that we would begin monitoring her interactions there. Eventually we learned that she and this boyfriend were still interacting with each other.

This whole situation has created a lot of tension and distrust in our home. I understand that parents need to protect their kids, but everything that's happened has only worsened our relationship with our daughter. She feels like we've violated her privacy, and she tells her friends what bad parents we are. What suggestions do you have about how we can rebuild the trust in our relationship?

— Ying

Dear Ying:

Youth expert Josh McDowell is famous for the saying, "Rules without relationship leads to rebellion." Josh believes that having a warm, nurturing, open relationship with our kids is crucial — especially during the teen years.

Naturally we need to set limits and boundaries on our kids' behavior, but without a healthy relationship and good communication, all the rules in the world will be ineffective — and may even drive a permanent wedge between us and our kids.

You didn't tell me much about the quality of your relationship with your daughter, but you mentioned that you learned she had developed a relationship with a boy "behind your back" and that you were "shocked to learn" about the relationship. Those words seem to indicate that the lines of communication between you and your daughter have been down for some time.

Here are a few questions that you and husband may want to ask yourselves:

Do you have regular family meals with your kids — at least 4 nights a week? All of the research shows that family meals contribute to a better relationship between parents and their children and decrease the likelihood that teens will get involved in risky behaviors.

Would you say that your parenting is characterized by a balance between love and limits? In addition to providing boundaries and structure, do you provide your daughter with plenty of affection, affirmation and encouragement?

Does your daughter feel "safe" with you and your husband? In other words, can she share her hopes, dreams and fears with you, without fear of criticism or condemnation? Do you extend grace and mercy to her when she makes mistakes, just as your Heavenly Father extends grace and mercy to you when you blow it?

I would challenge you and your husband to take an honest look at your parenting style and whether it reflects these qualities. If not, you have some work to do.

A great book to get you started on the path to a better relationship with your daughter is Boundaries With Teens by Christian psychologist John Townsend.

Regarding the Facebook issue, my friend Vicki Courtney has written a very important book for parents called Logged On and Tuned Out: A Non-Techie's Guide to Parenting a Tech-Savvy Generation. It will help you provide your daughter with healthy guidance when it comes to all aspects of the tech world, including the use of social networking sites such as FaceBook.

And of course you can always call our counseling department here at Focus on the Family and talk more in-depth about your family situation with one of our caring Christian therapists. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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